My adventures

A short update.

2011-05-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Life is life. I am here at work and it seems as though filling the day does only one thing. It fills the day. I guess the next thing to do is decide with what to fill it with. Family, friends, movies, parks, sports, card games, video games, and anything else that might seem like a good thing. Is that what it is that makes us who we are? What we fill our day with...? Or is it what our day fills us with? Is there a difference?

I work for American Family Insurance as a second job, and it is all well and good. But I fear it will not last long. Office may very well be closing soon, and I am not sure the insurance industry is for me...My father as well says I sholdn't get involved with it.

I am told it can be a good gig if I can make it independant. But to make any kind of decent income as an agent, one must have approx 3500 policies under you as an agent. The two agents I work with currently, one has been here for 11 years and he only has approx 1800 policies, and the other only has about 1900...both of which are just over half of what you need to make a decent living as an insurance agent.

I know everything isn't about the money...but there are times when the money has to be a priority right? When for a short while, it IS about the money...to make enough to pay bills, save, invest, or just....live.....or just love.

I will keep in with this gig until the opportunity runs short of value and then I also have D1. Hopefully it will be able to save me as well. Good times hard times. It is all for learning and experience.

I miss this place...

VAROLO!

2011-04-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just thought I would blog and post this! Its pretty cool, and its totally free! Not this is not a spam mail, its a cool venture called Varolo. All you do is watch ads for 10 minutes a day, and slowly you earn more and more money by telling your friends to do the same. Watch ads for 10 minutes a day. Look at it here. http://www.varolo.com/village/TiaveM97286 Just give it a click, and then go through the users tour and see what you think. Join me, and tell all your friends to join too, and we'll all have a merry good time! And be making some merry good money!

Again, here it is: http://www.varolo.com/village/TiaveM97286

Well, by way of an update, life is good, and I am now a week in to a marriage! Yes I am married to Renae Marie Matagi, and she is just simply amazing...except when she is on her period(like she is now), and she is easily grumpy, ornery, and irritable. But she is still amazing even when she is so, and I love her ;)

So that is the short update in the life of the Brown Guy. Give a shout if you want, let me know whats up.

http://www.varolo.com/village/TiaveM97286

Tiave

...reflecting....

2011-03-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

This is to the times, when mighty Hidalgo rolled the high hills and slopes of the rocky mountains; when he bore cargo that would spawn lasting memories of music, warmth, dance, and sentiment; and how he would carry the life, and save the life of a man who's memories would become his future...both because of his past, and therefore invested in his future.

Thank you my dear Hidalgo, for bringing me cherished memories of which will never be forgotten, and keeping me in a state of true life, so I could create new memories as well.

God be with you Hidalgo, where ever you find your life now...

Thank you B....for everything, and I mean, everything :) ~J~

Radiance, Oel ngáti kámeie

Love, Me

Vir Fusc ven Dreacis

Sa'ia far'dwen de quel

The latest writ, based on a simple concept....

2010-12-12T23:34:00.000-08:00

Today is the day, When the world will see...
How the vision of the unseen Is quite extraordinary.

To see the wind, Or taste the sound
And know in your heart The soul has been found.

It is not love Of that which I speak
But rather the soul In times that it's weak.

For in those moments When weakest we seem,
We see the visions of Our most longing dream.

Hearts full of hope To venture we dare,
To build from our dream A reality somewhere.

But struggling we try And with no avail
The hope we once had We find we could sell...

For a moment or two We lost in the past;
Fooled by the time We thought that would last.

Taken by breath And left then with none,
Ours visions collapse For strength they have none.

Stripped of desire, Passion, and will
Our hearts turn to madness...Silent and still.

Though the room it be taut, With voices anew;
But What's left of hope, Is dwindling and few...

For unseen I know, Is the future i see.
If i truly believe that...Than extraordinary...
....it could be.

From the bondage arise And the chains you will see,
That shattered with new hopes, You soon shall break free.

Alas it is mine, to know once again
That dreams are alive but I must begin.

To reach for the breath I need to live
And learn in my days The world to forgive.

Blame not the lives Of those gone before,
For the emptiness I have Can be gone, it is sure.

Then live, smile, breath, and see,
that the unknown and unseen....
...is truly extraordinary.

The two edged sword...

2010-11-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

Bearing through the walls of time and the fables of history, are tales of great exploits; stories of true valor; and legends of heroes that are forged by courage and tempered in trial. Along with each hero is the story of his/her accompanying loyalty; their weapon in hand.

Arthur had Excalibur
Billy the Kid had his "six shooter"
Drizzt used Icing death and Twinkle
Alan Quartermain with Matilda
Hiro Nakamura weilded the sword of Kensei
Catti-Brie held fast to Kazhidea and Taulmaril
Aegis-fang was wielded bravely by Wulfgar.
Gandalf bore down with Glamdring
Aragorn and Anduril...and the list could go on.

It seems I have found a weapon of such proportion, that it has become a two edged sword in my possession. It is not physical, but rather, metaphorical...I don't claim to be any kind of hero, or to be the material of legend or even lore. I speak only of a weapon of such devastating power.

Silence...

In a world of turmoil and trouble, fear and anxiety, mankind is left with a mind and heart full of despair because of the desire to be heard. The voice of the people has become a spell designed to breed hatred and segregation. It is cast openly and without restraint, aimed at the hopes for future generations.

Stupid, incapable, irresponsible, and useless. These are but a few of the incantations used to cast these spells. Humans spend their time awake, preparing these spells in the days they live, so when the moment of opportunity comes they can release the power of this wielded craft in full force against another of the same creation...humans.

Too often are these incantations used without thought of the result. As with all spells, these as well, have devastating properties. They inflict the mind, and torment the heart, torturing the existence of the host and leaving nothing but a wake of destruction upon the soul. How does the society justify this kind of activity? Because the incantation could result in a new promotion? A pay raise? Or even self gratification and no other reason?

Now it is, that I speak of this weapon. Silence. It is a weapon with the capacity to destroy. I have found the ability to wield it in a way, that when silent, it too, will silence others, creating fear behind me; driving obedience. Silence has become my blade of power! I find myself using it to drive accomplishment, or to thwart a conflict, and ultimately to divide asunder a world of torment and turmoil, leaving in its destructive wake, its name, echoing....longer and longer for more people to hear.

After swinging this mighty sword of justice, and gaining the desired result with its name, "silence", I am then left comforted by the vast sound of its serenity. Silence. Where once loud and tumultuous, the world then becomes quiet and peaceful....

...and then the back swing of the same sword occurs....the two edged sword.

I wake.

I see.

I plea.

And I hear...

...nothing....

...for I am still in a world of silence.

And though silence may be serene and calm...how long would you last in a world that you have created? When the only element in existence, aside from the silence you longed for...

...is you?

I am then struck by his loyal companion, "Awe", and I am forced to break the bond of silence in order to be heard...before I am driven mad....and then I too, become part of a system that is operated by a society...whose only knowledge is built upon incantations designed to destroy.

But my incantations are....silent....

Noise fills the emptiness, rushing in like a waterfall over an edge, guided by a swift wind...and I remain struck by the very sword I carry....realizing the predicament I stand in.

I must strike with the sword of silence to maintain order in chaos...

...and I must be struck in order to continue...

Stranger than fiction

2010-11-18T13:13:00.001-08:00

It seems to me that fiction is never written without a co-existence of its opposite. In every truth there is some untruth, and every untruth is based on a certain truth. How is it then that we are to determine where each one is draws a line. How often should we mingle truth with untruth in order to protect? And how much should we "lie" in order to maintain relations...?

Is it worth it to sacrifice a measure of integrity? I know I have said that I believe there is a time for an appropriate lie, and that that I still hold. Does that make me a hypocrite?

Where should I draw the line between truth and untruth?

Where do I measure the worth of my integrity?

How to I maintain who I am?

How do we all maintain who we are...if there is indeed such thing as the "appropriate lie"?

God help us all, if we cannot learn it for ourselves...

A naked curiosity...

2010-10-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

...that I love so much to write and yet I feel like finding the urgency, or subjects to write, somehow elude me. I want to write...I love the release of bottled energy felt when I can compose the dictates of desire, and know that it is indeed how I feel.

How do I do that...I know other dear friends of mine will write about the life they live, day to day, and I love that! It becomes an open journal for friends to keep in touch, and enjoy how life progresses. I feel like that isn't quite me...its not quite what I do....not quite what feels right to me...

I use the "naked curiosity" because that is how I feel...exposed because I have nothing to hold on to, nothing to share, nothing to keep, nothing to protect....naked. And then the status of mind is simply that curiosity overwhelms me, because I simply don't understand...

....a little help....

Am I crazy??

Qivana

2010-10-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

I am involved in my new venture running just a few months now, and it is called Qivana. It is a combination of both qi, chi, or ki, depending on where you come from, and a state of being called nirvana. Hence, "Qivana".

It is a business venture focused on health and nutrition. It uses simple systems to approach health, in order to address the complex systems of the body. Designed and constructed from 30+ years of medical research, and then avenued through the naturopathic side of health, in order to make sure all systems used, are made from real, true, original science, and made from all natural suppliments.

Difference? Pharmaceutical is used to prevent death and pain. Naturopathic studies are used to sustain life and longevity via the natural order of life.

It has become the road to the future for me, and it can also become so for you...

God Bless

Destiny

2010-09-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

It Is Said Some Lives Are Linked Across Time.....
They Are Connected By An Ancient Calling.....Destiny.

I believe in the link through time...and the connection as well.

My friend posted this about a movie she saw recently, and she thought it was good! I, like her was very skeptical about the movie at first, but as trailers and reviews and such started to be released my skepticism started to dissolve a little at a time.

I have been a very big fan of the Prince of Persia games ever since the first one was released on PC years and years ago. I have followed the stories, and chapters of the Prince, learning his life and experiences, and I have loved them. So naturally when this movie was proposed, I was indeed skeptical, because it had potential to just suck.

Then I learned that Jerry was producing it, along with the skill and talent that Disney had. It started to have potential to be good.

I watched it in the theater at midnight like I always do. I was not upset with it at all. Disney took their graphic tech to a whole new level, and as always, Jerry delivered as only Jerry can! And now I own the movie on blue ray...because its the only way to view a film now... =)

How would it be to release the fabled sands of time, to turn back critical moments in our history, and set right what should have been? Such an incredible concept! And equally as awesome, is the statement about family, and brothers:

"...the bond between brothers, that is the sword that defends our empire; I pray that that sword stays strong."

Many a time I have reflected on this quote since viewing the film, and wondered if I have cultivated the bond between my brothers and me, the bond that would defend our empire, or perhaps, our families. Have I done enough, that I could feel worthy of the title "Brother"? Every man would like to be able to say "Yes", but in all honesty, it can only go as far as a deep hope.

That is the reason why I love to watch movies so much, to find the message that is written in the cinematography; and in this film, there is truly a message to be heard, and hopefully understood by all those who hear...

unexpected...

2010-09-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, many of you know if not all of you, that I don't watch very much TV at all...a show here and there, an episode of something here and there. The ones I really like are Pawn stars, deadliest warrior, and top shot. Even so, I don't even watch those regularly or anything, just an episode here and there.

A work associate of mine at the high school has been swearing up and down about a show on TV that he has just loved, and he just kept telling me how I needed to get into it, but I just couldn't do it!

Next I had a friend told me how much I needed to get into Nexflix. At first I told him how I thought it was pretty lame to do that, it is like paying to have my own blockbuster or hollywood video...why would I do that when I have my own DVD collection that could rival a blockbuster or a hollywood video. Don't ask me what changed...but I thought I would give it a shot. I registered for netflix.

Here is the problem now....

The TV show that my buddy told me I should watch was on netflix! I am a novice at the whole netflix thing and i didn't know that they had TV shows on there! But it was there, and now I am hooked on this new addiction called NETFLIX!!

The show in mention?

Heroes is quite the story and series about the people in an ordinary world, that discover they have extra-ordinary, or "special" abilities. How many times have we day dreamed about the ability to fly...or woke up during the night hoping to sling web from our finger tips, wield the power of rapid regeneration, or travel through time? They talk about how the world is not ready to accept the possibility of "special" abilities and the controversy that would take place if they did exist.

Why isn't the world ready to have these things? Did God really give the world this idea of such magnificence because it is impossible, or because it allows us a perspective of things that could be....? I believe there are things such as "special" abilities, and that as normal people, we are given gifts that are to be used to help those in our every day acquaintance.

I have always felt a strange presence of something more...be it supernatural, unexplainable, extra-ordinary, miraculous or "special"...whatever the world decides to call it, I believe these are things that have been made known to us, by the man we call God. What else would it be, and by who else would it have been sent. It is to teach us the potential of who and what we are.

Unexpected as it was, watching this show has given me a smile that I thought would only come by my crazy imagination.

I love that if we want to be....we can be....

...."Special"......

Sunday!!!

2010-08-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was able to go and listen to a former student of mine give a talk today because he was leaving on his mission this week. His name? Steven Pelham.

What a conduit of so much natural, free charisma!! He was so entertaining to listen to, and his talk was given so smoothly, that it felt like I was sitting on a calm river of words. Oh to have a loosed tongue, and to speak like he does. I know it was a blessing from his father in heaven, so on his next quest, it will serve him well.

I also got to see some very good friends of mine, Renae, Lisa, Lindsay, Dexter, and Emily! What good people! I miss them all so much!

And of course Sunday is a day of family, and mine was so crazy today! I was texting my dear friend Stephanie, and while I wasn't looking my sister sent her a text that said, "I think you're gay". She responded with a "What???"

My whole family was about on the floor laughing!! And I too was about in tears from laughing so hard! We then started talking about a time in vegas with my older brother. He had just got a new smart phone and didn't know how to use it. Be came to me and asked me if I knew how to use the camera on his phone, and I said yes. He then gave it to me to setup for him. Instead of setting up his camera, I logged in to his FB account and updated his DB status with this:

"There is only one thing that I love more than Beer...and thats Balls!"

Oh my goodness....me, and my friends, and my family, were in absolute tears over that situation, because we all knew that he loves his beer!! He just paced the house all night, saying "kefe" all night because he didn't know how to delete the update! It was SO dang funny!!

Anyway, I wanted to tell about this day that was full of laughter, and fun, and love...and not so much of wonder. Which is a good thing, and I guess at the same time it could be a bad thing...who's to say?

Keep it real!

Me

Nothing important!

2010-08-28T12:37:00.001-07:00

I really meant it when I said this was nothing important...

.....but you still read it! LOL...

Ok, thanks for reading this seemingly unimportant post about nothing, I love you guys any way, anyone who still reads. ;)

God bless,

Me

Oh yeah, one more thing...the answer of course is "you", I see you. But you, is not just you, it is you as the world, as my world, as your world, as a world...

Smile! =)

Have you ever wondered.....

2010-08-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

....what it means to have loyalty?
....what is meant when someone says I love you?
....what is heard through tears?
....what is felt in anger?
....what is understood amidst confusion?
....what emptiness feels like?
....what your name means to someone else?
....what the world thinks of you?
....what the soul looks like?
....what wind tastes like?
....what can endure through fire?
....what loneliness really feels like?
....what the future holds for you?
....what sounds the blindness can make?
....what your person speaks of when they move?
....what the eye can truly reveal?

...I have....

The funny thing is that the list of wonders goes on and on...and it never ends. And neither does time as I understand, it keeps filling the emptiness of what we don't know with everything that we will ever wonder...

Oel ngáti kámeie

P.S. Avatar comes out, re-released in special edition on thursday night at midnight!

...have you ever wondered where I will be at that precise time....???

I don't have to wonder... ;)

Interesting thoughts....

2010-05-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

....and they just keep coming, and I can't figure it out. Maybe I am just reading too much....maybe I am just paranoid....or maybe I am just dumb. I don't know, it might be more of the third than I would like to admit.

I know I don't get on here much, and I suppose I could justify it by saying I have my reasons and my means. And yet, I find myself here reporting not because I have some kind of twisted sense of loyalty to blogging or something...but rather because I have a stirring feeling that I should be on here sometimes.

I live here:

And yet it seems that more often than not I actually see this:

Its not because I make drives out to Alberta, but the people from there, drive here. But why does it appeal to me...and catch my attention every time there is one nearby??? The ironic thing is that there is nothing in Alberta for me...at least not any more. What once was there, is now else where. What makes things more interesting is that on Sunday afternoon I found myself driving, wanting to take a drive somewhere nice like up the canyon. It is closed. There is a big FAT gate blocking the way and Titus can't get in to get up there...lame. Even more interesting is this, on the radio starts playing a song, "Get Busy" Good times, good memories I think to myself as the song is playing and as it comes to an end. Suddenly to make it far more interesting than it already was I hear this song "Come on get higher" What the heck just happened?!

That was the only thing that came to my head....I didn't know what to say, and I couldn't say anything. Coincidence is what it seemed to be, and maybe it is. Maybe it is paranoia, or once again maybe I am just dumb. In any case, it made me miss some dear friends...the reason I am on here writing this now, is because sunday was the day it happened, "fast sunday"....Yes I followed, and I still read. I try not to as often as I used to so I can keep a proper distance between memories and desires, but know that you are still in my heart felt thoughts.

The year is drawing to an end, and we just had our end of year dance concert and it was a winning success! The kids as usual have just gone beyond my expectations, and taught me that I can have faith and belief in them without caution. They are my students, and yet they are my teachers...I will miss this team when the year draws to its finality. God bless you Provo high JV, you are my heart...

And Reef, this is to you because you didn't make it to concert. YOUR FIRED! j/k bro, I still love ya! ;)

Recently I had the wonderful opportunity to watch a movie in the theater. I remember months ago when I saw the preview for this film and thinking to myself...Oh dear, that looks like it could really suck and then from there I had no real intention of seeing it. JJ and Mikell both insisted that I go see it with them, and so I did. It might be up there with one of the most beautiful and adorable movies I have ever seen.

How to train your dragon has become a part of my heart for some reason. I can't quite figure that out either. I love dragons...that might be it. I love great music...and that could def be a huge part of it too. I love the messages of good movies, and this film has it also. In short, adorable, cute, moving, enlightening, and over all just good! It is now up there on my recommended movies for all to see. I don't have a huge list for those films, but this is one of them.

I saw Avatar 26 times in the theater, and I know it is a bit ridiculous, but I did. Some how or another it just happened that way. I didn't have to pay for all of them, only like 10 times. And yes I know that is a lot too...but oh well. :)

For all my friends out there, I love you all dearly...

This is for you...because somewhere in the world I live in, I know you live too...

Till we, in our innate sense of hope and wellness, seek for the lasting principles that will define the foundations of our desires, become those whom will be the vessels of true integrity...God bless and God speed...

....for it is the battle between our principles and our desires that define our integrity...

Vir Fusc

Return of the Fusc...

2010-04-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

....and what a return it was! So I know I haven't been able to update this, and there is reason, and I guess there is excuse as to why. I will tell and you can decide which is which...

So, last week I had the most incredible amount of things to do, in so LITTLE time. Just an over all busy week. I missed every session of General conference last weekend(which has never happened in my entire life), but it it did. Backing up a few days....

Friday I had a full day of teaching and then I had to judge battle of the bands. At first I was a little unsure of what to expect, and i didn't really want to do it. But I met the other two judges on the panel, and we all decided we had a lot in common, and we all felt a little better about judging the even.

Needless to say, there were some bands that did quite well(congrats to one of my own former students, Benjamin Xochimitl, who won the battle of bands as a solo act), and then there were some that just did not belong there at all...

We got done around 11 or so I think...and then I had to go home, and get ready for the prelim round of guard on saturday morning. Roy high school here we come! We had tremendous success during our season. As I mentioned in previous posts, we were bumped up two classes, and then we took fourth in prelim rounds out of 13 guards(largest class in in the association) which meant we were invited to participate in the state finals! We took 5th in finals! Congrats to the guard at provo who worked so hard to learn how to invest their hearts into their show! Way to go Provo!!!! I love you guys!

We got done late, and then had to drive home. Home came around 1:30 or 2:00am. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have to fix my luggage, do my laundry, and then get packed for the tour I was leaving on the next morning at 7:00am!

Home - 2:00am
Fixing luggage 2:19 - 3:27(I totally fixed it to perfection)
Laundry 2:12 - 4:39
Packing 2:40 - 4:51
Sleep 5:00 - 7:15
Loading the bus 7:50 - 8:30
On the road 9:00am

What a couple a two days eh?!

Tour was to long beach california where we boarded the Carnival Cruise Vessel "Paradise"

By far the most luxurious tour I have ever been on with my kids! 5 days of shows, lounging, shopping, diving, mexico, sea breezes, and of course, the after shocks of sea sickness!

I got home and it is now sunday afternoon and I am still feeling the wave movements in my brain, and if watched closely...my body still sways to the movement of the "sea" that is no longer here...

Feeling a little sick and woozy from time to time....I think everyone else was feeling it too when we got back...its quite the experience. If ever I was to get drunk, I think this is what it would feel like!

That is the update I have for you, and I am sure more will come when more comes in the ever exciting life of Vir Fusc!

God bless and God speed!

Oel ngáti kámeie

Checking in :)

2010-03-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the last few weeks have been utterly trying and extremely busy! Choir, Guard, Ballroom, and life...

So in the last few competitions for guard we have had some ups and downs. From 4th place to 9th place, and then back to 4th it was sure a roller coaster ride but we made it. And now we are pushing for a placement at the next competition. If we are able to place we will be invited to attend the championship at Roy High School on April 3rd. I would say "here's to hoping" but then that would suggest that we are leaving it up to chance and not work. So here's to working! We have an unusual situation with the guard here...we have 16 on our team, and most of them have had no formal weapon training at all...and yet they come, and the diligently work and perform with their hearts and souls. They are learning how to become invested in the message they are portraying for those who watch us. The heart is so important in everything we do, I pray we who have claimed to have found it....will never lose it....it will set us free.....

We also had the national competition for ballroom last week and needless to say, as it said on my facebook update..."nationals becomes a very long week in a very short time". But even so, long as it was, we sure had a great run as a JV team here at Provo high. We qualified for Division 1 latin which was a blow away for all of us here on the team including myself. Not that I didn't think we could, but it was a medley in its first year, and one of MY medleys none the less. I know my kids are all capable of achieving excellence, but I wonder about MY personal work...and if it is capable of division one....to be rated among the best of choreography and teams in the nation. But we did it and I congratulate my kids for it! Well done! Also, we placed first it the division 2 Standard championships! National championship title, sure is a great thing to have under the belt! Again, great job to my ever amazing kids!

Choir has been a running adventure! Wow have I learned...the intricacies of a young musicians mind...how they think and how they operate. "Was I like this as a young man?" I often wondered as I was teaching choir.... I had the kids write an essay about them so I could read them. Nothing specific, just "Why?". It gave me an avenue to travel that was in direct correlation with the mind set of the kids in choir. It took me three weeks to finally learn how to meld in with the kids in choir...and after that? ....Magic started to happen. In the end, Chamber went to region festival, and against what seemed all odds and other incredibly talented choirs in the region we did our best. We went out on stage, looked them in the eye with a gaze that seemed to say, "WE ARE PROVO"

......we made state......

I knew they would, and they needed to know they could....and they did. To my choir students, God bless you for realizing where your potential sat dormant, and even more so for tapping in to that reserve. I know you will do amazing at state. I will be there....now....and at state...listening. God Bless you.

I believe Life is in tune with the unusually unexpected...we laugh, we love, we hope, we try, we hurt, need, fear, and then we cry.....and through all these things of the unexpected and even unusual we find a sense of similarity between all of us...we desire those things that make us who we are. And even though we may end up in a slight sense of devastation, we yet desire then for what we become when we experience those things. And like I asked my choir kids....."Why?" And to the answer so simple and beautiful I must with my whole soul...agree.

Because it will set us free....for we are truly alive and free, when in the hands of someone we call dear...

Dreacis

Extenuating weeks....

2010-02-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

...have come since the start of the new semester here at Provo High. Dance, Choir, Band, and Guard have all but nearly consumed the part of existence we call life...but I love it, and that is why I keep on it.

When things in life come to mind, I am often taken to reflection...

Where was I in the grand scenery of accomplishment?
Have I come to the place I am supposed to be?
Am I become of the person who created me so?
Do I love, like I would hope to be loved?

...Are the memories of this life, written in the words, colors, and people that I would want to have endure for the eternities to come...?

God hold my heart, and make it so.

This is out to you, who have made the memories of my heart, I love you dearly! And my soul reaches out for you, for in your memory I find a smile...one I shall wear till I die. :)

Mrs. Garrett had her baby not too long ago, and she brought it in so I could see and meet her little Molly Garrett. What an adorable addition to a wonderful life! I looked at her as she spoke of her new infant, and in a moment I understood how her joy had become like a full cup running over. Finally I understood...the nine months she carried her unborn child had built something so dear and cherished in her life, and the evidence of it was written across her smile. I dont' know what it is like to bear a child, or to bring one in to this world...but i understand something I didn't know before.... That I will never understand until it is my turn...

Putting down to rest, the old individual that she used to be in order to become something she had never been became so clear to me...the time preparing to bring life, merged the lives of her and her husband, and the child becoming of the family. I understand that now...I know that she will never forget the momories of her past that make her who she is, but also that she needed to accept the things that were changing in her behalf.

I too will never forget memories that have place in my soul, people who had become a heart beat to me...but in the count down of days, I too realized that although I care deeply about my dear friends, it is not my place to care FOR them.

I wanted to so badly, to be part of the lives of those close to me...and now I am nearly sure that it will never be. Even so, my memories will will never be forgotten of those kind and dear to me...

...I will always love you, that will never change.

Hey Jack guess what?! I'm sure you already know, but you are going to be a big brother now! How cool are you?! Don't worry little brother, I will check in on you, and make sure that you are doing well, both you and your new brother!

Wave_writer, I wish you everything in your endeavors bro. You truly deserve it! I know you will do amazing things with the talents you have, and the opportunities you will be given. Don't doubt yourself...God didn't doubt you when he gave them to you.

And to all...Always remember, all things that can happen will...

...God Bless and God Speed...

11:41

2010-02-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

...is the time I started to write this. I am here because somewhere in this heart beat is the will to write.

I just got done watching Armageddon here at my home. Great movie of hope, fear, trial, victory, and love. It moves me...so here I am. I guess I now write so those things can grow in others like I think they grow in me. Not that I wish fears or trials on others, but rather the growth that comes from enduring them.

I love you all...dearly....

I just opened an email before getting on here, whilst I was watching the movie...Alegria, Cirque Du Soleil production is coming to Salt lake city, Utah. It will be the second show from cirque in one year that will be here for viewing at the E center. Needless to say, I am MORE than excited to see it. I opened the email, read what it contained, saw the name "Alegria" which means "jubilation" and for some reason my thoughts returned to you...

"Jubilation", or "extreme joy" is indeed what we all want or seek in this life...we all know that it is what we want. We all for the most part know why we want it, and yet as I have mentioned before in a previous post long ago, it is not the what or the why that makes life a challenge to live; It is the constant journey to and from the paradox of "HOW".

The road we walk is the "what", our stops are the "where's", our friends are the "who's", the memory's we obtain designate the "when's"...but what is it that makes the "how's" something that drives us to continue along the way?

Could the combination of "what's, where's, who's and when's" some how create the "how's" that teach us everything we need to know?

"Oel ngáti kámeie" or simply to say, "I see you" is something SO beautiful to me. When I recall to mind the who's, what's, where's, and when's, it is only then that the 'how' comes to mind...and there it is again. "Oel ngáti kámeie"... How could this have happened? How could I have done this? How could I be here? How could I accomplish all that I have? How are you still in my life? How am I a part of your life? Or am I at all? How is life to be lived? How does one keep hope? Hope for life, love, dreams, or this world? Oel ngáti kámeie...that is how. To see you...is to see everything....

My kids have done well this season and to that I am proud. They took 3rd in both standard and latin medley. Provo High Varsity was 1st, extreme ballroom was 2nd, and Provo JV was 3rd. How proud I was to stand there among my kids whom I cherish so dearly...and watch them take their place among those who thought them incapable. Nights such as those make me truly proud to be their coach. Not because of anything I could do for them, but everything they did for themselves. They beat every other Varsity or A team that was there competing...

I love them...

Well, I must take my leave now I am trying this thing that some say is healthy for me...more sleep or some ridiculous idea like that. I don't know what people are thinking when they say such incongruous strings of vocabulary...and yet I feel inclined to listen...maybe they are on to something??? We shall see...until next we speak over the intellectual waves cyberspace...

Oel ngáti kámeie

Questions Un-answered.......

2010-01-24T13:56:00.001-08:00

So one must always ask, if out of nothing more than curiosity, how many people actually read this thing. Aside from how many,is the more important question of 'who'? I don't know who reads this or how much it means to anyone...but for a time, knowing that this blog was being read, meant everything to me...

What's it like...is it warm, or cold, is it over cast or sunny? To the common reader those questions would obviously refer to the weather, would it not? But it is not the weather of which I speak,it is the heart...

I speak those questions most importantly to my own heart...I recently bailed out of jail someone close to me. And to see that person released, walking with what seemed like shame before me, broke my heart. I couldn't determine why...inside I wanted so
desperately to be angry at this person...I wanted to unleash the burning fury that required me to relinquish my personal savings, which was not very much in the eyes of the world, to set this person free. Why should I have to take the earnings of my
labor, and place it at the feet of someone who seems to be so careless with their own life?

And then it hit me....'are you listening to yourself?','what are you saying?' I often like to think that I may have a heart inside me that deserves to keep beating in order to keep me alive...And then I catch myself in a state of thought that makes me feel like I have betrayed that heart. Is my heart so cold to think such cruel and hell bent thoughts? But wait it was warm and kind enough to perform that which was required to liberate someone from captivity....

Is my heart being over shadowed by something that causes me pain, doubt, and fear?
Or is it the element of light that brings hope,faith, and belief to others?

At times I think it has been all of the above.

I love this person. I do. My heart beats for the well being of this person, and thus
moved to help. But in result my heart was taken to anger, and disdain, because of
the things that were done. Is my heart two sided, or can it truly betray itself in the
thoughts that contradict each other? Can I wield both positive and negative emotions
at the same time? I don't know...

I have known myself to be one who, for the most part, acts upon the dictates of my heart....but what must I do when it feels like the dictates tell me to do two things that cannot be done. Either it must be one, or it must be the other...

On a different note, here are the recent events of the life of Vir Fusc(it means brown guy in Latin).

I still teach my two ballroom classes and coach the team at Provo High School, still assist with the symphonic band, I direct the color guard program, and now I teach four choir classes! Needless to say I think my teaching schedule has become incredibly busy...but as I have said before I think I like it that way. It keeps me busy, and therefore moving in mind and body.

My parents think I do too much, have too little time, and all my peers think I am insane because I sleep the usual 3 1/2ish hours a night to keep up with my schedule. Friends think I have no social life, but I do! It exists between the hours of 11pm and 1:30 am...at which point i am at home, getting ready for bed :)

Dad think I am going to go to hell because I haven't found a wife yet. I explain that I am busy, and that I am not looking right now to find a wife. He insists that I am under the influence of the devil because only the devil would say such things, so he can keep me away from salvation. Perhaps he is right...I don't know.

Choir is doing well, getting ready for region festival and tour. Band is good, but it is smaller than it was last semester and struggling a bit. Ballroom is doing better than ever, and I am excited to kick off in the competition season; They should do pretty well this year! Winter guard is also doing quite well. At our evaluation they bumped us up two classes because the kids did so well.

Life, love, friends, trials, labors, knowledge....experience. I hope I am doing what I can to have the best experience, so that I may provide a good experience for those whom I serve...

God bless and God speed...

Oel ngáti kámeie...

A wish...

2009-12-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

...that at some point I could call you, just to say Merry Christmas, and happy new year! I know I will not be able to, but know that I am wishing you the best, in all things. Love moves in your direction, from my soul.

I love you my dear friend,

God bless..

Checking in-

~J~

Tsaheylu...

2009-12-20T15:43:00.000-08:00

...Might be the most beautiful word that has ever entered into my heart and mind.

This is my official review of the movie ‘Avatar’

Deep inside the mentality of the human being is something terrible. The drive to accomplish. Although it can serve a proper purpose in all things, it is very seldom that we see that drive put into use, by the best hearts in this world.

‘Avatar’ very well could be one of the best movies I have EVER seen, if not the best. Not because it has some of the most intense actions sequences, which if you know anything about me, you will know that I fancy a good action scene; and not because the CG was incredible, and not because the story was good. Although all of those things contribute to the success of a good film, those are not the reasons for which I designate this movie as such.

When I buy a film to add to my DVD collection, my purchases are not based on the top selling movies out at the time, nor are they based on the MPAA rating of the film either. They are based on the quality of the message within the movie. And if you have looked through my DVD collection, you know that every single one of my movies, regardless of rating, could be found being viewed when my mother is present; And this particular movie, will certainly be found among those when the time comes.

In the movie, the protagonist of the story hits it right on the head when he makes a statement: “If they have something we want, we make them our enemies, and can then justify actions to take war against them.’ I can’t say for sure if that is quote accurate word for word, but it is close. When humans want something, they take action to make enemies, and then feel proper in justifying further action to suppress and drive anyone who is an enemy.

The ‘Navi’ are an indigenous population of humanoids that live on the planet Pandora. “They are VERY hard to kill” says the colonel in the movie. But even more important than how hard they are to kill, is the reason they are there.

They believe to be connected to the flow of life on this particular planet through an entity called “The Tree of Souls”. It bonds the entire race of Navi, to the ancestors that have preceded them, and all those that will proceed them as well. They love the land, and though there are creatures of considerable might, strength, and danger…all things on Pandora are respected. Even when life is taken, a prayer is offered to the almighty deity, to receive the life force.

The Antagonist of the movie, is the idea, and action of war. Why? Because everything in the eyes of the human being is about money. Because a little mineral called unobtanium sells for $20M/kilo, these humans are willing to destroy, sacrifice, and murder in order to have it. They forced the Navi out of home tree, by destroying it. Then they moved in on the very “Tree of souls” in order to not just relocate the Navi, but to eliminate them. And for what…? Money.

The Navi stood to uphold the very value that maintains life, the creates life, and conjures appreciation of life, and they were nearly destroyed for it. They understood that “Tsaheylu”, or “the bond” of life, was the most important thing on Pandora, and they were willing to fight to protect it.

Human beings are considered to be the most sophisticated race on the planet. And yet, as such, we are the only race that will go to war for anything that will grant us a little more power or money, whether it be that humans fight over women, men, sex, land, money, greed, power, or anything else that we feel might be ‘advantageous’. But if humans could only realize that it is truly ‘Tsaheylu’ that makes us everything we are. But they don’t…it’s the drive, the same drive that moves us to accomplish, and achieve what ever is ‘needed’ that makes humans slaves to what has become the new human nature; pride.

I know some of you will have no desire to see this film, and to that I urge that you see it anyway, at least once. Reason being, this may be the most accurate depiction of the human mentality I have ever seen.

God help the human race...

Checking in…

The 6th...

2009-12-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

...sense is always an interesting subject of discussion. Some think its not real, many are terrified of its possible existence, and very few are even willing to test its presence. So I offer some insight, that might alter views and perceptions. Whether it does or does not, makes not difference to me.

Before serving a full time LDS mission, my mother did a couple things to help me prepare that at the time I thought were completely illogical, and quite ridiculous.

First, She sent me packing on a flight with a full size blanket and sheet set. I mean a big, thick, near comforter size blanket. Ridiculous right? I mean, I was going to Jamaica where the BAD winters might get down to a terrible 72 degrees or so. After a few weeks there and into the winter season, my body became climatized, and I indeed began to freeze there...I used that set my whole mission!

Thank you mother for sending me prepared.

Second, She packed my luggage with 12 extra shirts that I knew was just extra baggage that I wasn't going to need. I hated moving them out of the way every time I needed to repack or unpack in new areas. Little did I know how those would help me in the long run. I gave every single new shirt away to priesthood members that I had the privilege of baptizing down there. Was it coincidence? Or perhaps the evidential existence of what we call 'the 6th sense'?

Again, Thank you mother for sending me prepared.

And so in retrospect, I came up with things that I know I have developed in this life that also might share some insight into this idea.

Take the primary 5(in no specific order) and consider what they do.

1. Hear: To listen and convert the 'noise' of the world into messages understood by the brain

2. Smell: To breath in with the nose the fragrance of the world and convert the aromas into messages understood by the brain

3. Touch: To feel with the flesh the textures of the world and convert contact into messages understood by the brain.

4. Taste: To place something on the tongue and convert the characteristics of the world into messages understood by the brain.

5. Sight: To look at the world and convert color, depth, and object into messages understood by the brain.

But what if you could HEAR the colors, depth, and objects; SMELL the characteristics; TOUCH the noise; TASTE the fragrance; or LOOK at and interpret the textures by sight... Would this not constitute what we distinguish as possible evidence of 'the 6th sense'?

The interchangeable use of the primary senses, is a power that few are truly able to develop and use. That ability gives an intuitive perspective of the world we live in, and allows us to interpret primary signals into what many, if not most, would delegate as "wow" moments, simply because it seems as though some incredible feat was accomplished.

Consider the following:

- To hear the mountains and in result, smell a storm.

- To smell a stream and know before you taste the water that it runs from a pure spring.

- To taste a good meal simply by touching it with your hands.

- To touch a railroad line and know before sight could ever confirm that a train is indeed coming.

- To see a clear path by no other means than by listening...

One thing i know for sure...you don't need eyes to see...or ears to hear...or hands to feel...

These are small examples of the institution of 'the 6th sense'.

I hear mothers have the most exceptional development of this sensory perception. Most of the general world seems to fear and cower over the idea of "ESP" or extra sensory perception. Why should we be afraid of it? I know I will never be a mother, but I do wish to have the sensory capabilities that I know my mother has demonstrated in my behalf and in behalf of my safety and well being.

To all mothers out there, God bless you

Checking in...

~J~

LLP

2009-12-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

...And no I am not talking about a limited liability practice or anything like that, I am simply talking about "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"

How is it that A.J. knew to write that in the D.O.I.? I wonder what it means...and what it is exactly...

After many long hours, deep contemplation, steady meditation, here is what I have come up with:

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness is alive only in ones heart...Life is given within every solitary beat that indeed proclaims I am alive. Liberty is exercised within every breath that fills my lungs! To inhale the very freedom that delegates the capability of our voices, allows us continuity of comfort by speaking...and how comfortable it is to speak with one, or many, that we find dear...the ones we share heart beats with.

And finally...the pursuit of happiness. The pursuit...is it a road we travel, or a path we are creating? Is it a job, career, house or income? Is it a person? Or perhaps an idea...?

All these things make me feel what I understand to be happiness. Memory, people, place, involvement, and you.....All things delegate what makes me happy...

Checking in....

~J~

Checking in, December 5

2009-12-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

I never quite understand why the things happen the way they do...all I know is that when in need there has always come a way that I could be provided for.

Its Christmas season, and I have done a good deal of shopping and most of it is done! Happy day! However, with the economic downfall ever in progress, jobs are looking more and more scarce. Sad day when we come to such things...

In the positive note, referring to earlier in the post, I have been watched over so well, that it would be foolish to say there has not been a higher power at work in my behalf.

I am the assistant program director of the Provo high ballroom program, the assistant director of the symphonic band at provo high, the color guard director at provo high, and starting next week as observation, and officially at the term end IN january, I will be taking over the choir program in place of the usual teacher who will be taking maternity leave for 6-8 weeks.

Here is how the rundown looks for the spring season:

January - March Competitive ballroom season including the nationals at BYU
January - April Competitive winter guard season including State championships at west high school.
January - March Choir Festival season including region here in utah.
January - March Musical(Fantasticks) at provo high.

Needless to say I think I am going to be EXTREMELY busy over the next several months...

People ask me how I do so much, and why?

All I can tell them is that I am in a place where I have turned everything inside off, and I like it that way. I keep myself busy enough that there is no place for things like that...at least not right now...

Everything is well, and I hope you know that I would only speak the truth.

B, it makes me happy that things are well for you. Congrats again on the new life! I am truly happy for you! :-)

I wish you the most very merry Christmas!

Checking in...

~J~

The Future...

2009-11-28T00:51:00.001-08:00

If you knew that your future would effect someone else's future, would you tell that other person, or just let the chips lay where they fall?

Who wants a go with this one? Interesting as it is, that this question is on my mind...

Most people think time is like a river, flowing swift and sure in one direction. But I can tell you they are wrong. Time is an ocean in a storm...and we are the elements...

If you behold the ocean in its tranquil and serene state, it is vast, deep, cold and possessive, and most important full of life. Within the depths of waters you will find that the serenity remains, and the tranquility of life is sustained. But above, the face of the deep is tossed and thrown according to the elements.

Time, the future, is then disrupted by the elements of the storm.

If we as elements of the storm can effect the ocean, one must ask: Why? If we knew what we could do, and the effects of those actions, would we really do them?

If I were the traffic light controlling the flow of traffic, am I really controlling it? Or am I just hoping to control it? It is established in place to maintain order...but someone, anyone can disrupt it at any time, making residual effects in front, and behind.

Time in the ocean is the same...would I act knowing that those deeds would effect the future pools of those around me...

...my heart says yes...

Jeez!

2009-11-14T22:40:00.001-08:00

Jack...buddy, you really are gonna make someone kill over, and it might be me... I just hope you are doing well, and that you really do take it easy for a little while so we all don't have heart burn or anything.

Know that I am looking out for you buddy!

Love ya~

...me...

12 November 2009

2009-11-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am here, getting ready to start the winter season. The old team, and those interested in becoming part of the new winter team will be here right after school to make the recruiting posters and advertisements to hang around the school. I have finally completed the rendition of mixed themes and music that I will be using to write the new show, and it is, as far as my opinion is concerned, amazing.

"Now we are free"

This is the name of the show, and the musical themes are those of the Gladiator soundtrack. The idea is to portray through flag and rifle movement, the story of Maximus Decimus Meridius. General, Father, Husband...slave. Taken after his family were murdered and crucified alive, to become a slave sold into the provinces of the roman empire.

The themes articulate the moments in his life that make the story of such epic caliber. Each changing musical theme will illustrate a different part of his story, taking him from military power, stripped and left with nothing as a slave, then to the arena where he then brought the might of rome to its knees through the defiant acts as an arena gladiator.

His story then becomes that of true "Strength and Honor".

Strength and Honor

To know what that means, is seemingly beyond me...to possess true knowledge of our bodies, and in everything we know in our hearts to be the worth of integrity, and then to be able to manifest all to those with whom we associate, is how honor is acquired and maintained.

I listen to the musical show which I have now created, and I see so much. I hear so much. I feel so much. And yet it is truly interesting, that to behold what I do, to witness the effects of my hopes, they lie in a simple act of 'checking in'.

I want you to see the show...I wish you could be here, to share with you what I love... only time will tell, what will become.

God Bless

Fel

Hey buddy...

2009-11-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

....Jack! What are you doing buddy? Giving people a heart attack??? Man, it is pretty demanding of the heart beat when you go and do things like involve yourself in the need to have stitches....!!! j/k, You are still my buddy, and you always will be.

I just didn't know that I could comment on your blog buddy...I wasn't sure if that was kosher...but if it is, I could be commenting on your blog a lot more than you might like...

Just know that there is always a check in. I am sorry if it has been a while, tour, and competitions, and such...I am always eager to hear as much as is possible, and yes, I do read. I really do...

God bless, and God speed...

as we all have the need.

...me...

Checking in, November 9...

2009-11-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

We got back from our tour form marching band and needless to say, we did quite well. First over all in our division, along with the outstanding musical performance caption. Had we competed up a class our points would have set us at second in 3A(class above us), and second in 4A(two classes above us) as well.

The trip was amazing. I did something with my girls that i wish I had done long ago. I experimented with a method to get them in the right frame of mentality...to have fun while on the field. I will not disclose all the details of the method, but know that it was by far the best performance that they have had all season, and the method proved extremely effective. I shall implement it more often in the seasons to come.

I am well...

All is well...

I love you~

God Bless

Fel~

Checking in, November 2 2009

2009-11-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

A good day! Much more beautiful than many of the other days have been for the last several weeks. I can't believe how nice it has been...another thing that is simply beautiful.

Other news of considerable nature...my grandfather passed away last week. It was a bit sudden, but also more expected than not. He was a great man, and more man than most men who have lived in this world.

He worked until his body quit on him. When he was not working, which was seldom, he was at the temple doing the work of the Lord. When he retired, he never really retired. Every day he would walk the several blocks to the temple where he would perform ordinances all day long, as long as he could.

A true man of God, and a true man of the family.

God and family, in that order, is how his life was structured. He knew that the only way to sustain his family in the ways of God, was to serve God as best he could, and let God sustain his family as best he knew how.

We loved him dearly.

I however, am not able to attend the services. My two sisters and I will be staying in utah, as everyone else will be heading to hawaii for the services. He will be greatly missed, but he is also greatly needed where he is going.

God Bless and God speed...

Me

Checking in, October 28

2009-10-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

Last night we had our band concert, and dare I say? It was clearly a tremendous success. 4 conductors in front of the bands at Provo high, (including myself) and all four of them deserving of the positions they held.

It was great. Big house, lots of people, great audience, good atmosphere, solid learning opportunity! I didn't think I would have been directing the band last night at the concert, but Mr. Hearld(Official hired band director) asked if we would be interested in directing because we had done so much work for the bands already. He said he wouldn't feel right not putting us up there in front of the ensemble's to direct because of how much we had done to help them.

Few in this world are as great a helpers and as good a directors as Jared Hearld.

As I said, it was awesome! I just wanted to update as to my last couple days!

God bless and God speed!

Fel

...how I love this...

2009-10-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

Written below is the word of solemn declaration that each knight was required to swear before he could receive his knighthood.

"Be without fear in the face of your enemies.
Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
Speak the truth always, even if it leads to your death.
Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.
That is your oath."

How beautiful, and how simple is the call for chivalry that had been in old times; and how I wish the day of modern inclination could adapt the truth and magnitude of such things. But "it is not necessary anymore" as one teacher once proclaimed in his state of what he thought was defeat... But what could be more necessary? The small and simple things that make humans what they are, and what COULD elevate all of us to better thinking, stronger wills, and motivate us to more acts of integrity

That is the question of the day, in the labor of our time.

God Bless...

Today...

2009-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

...has been a little better than the rest of this week. Some updates of the season are as follows.

1) We had another competition for marching band yesterday(October 20) and the band did well. We took first over all in our class, but we only took one caption home; 'Outstanding musical performance'. Percussion took second by 0.7 points as did colorguard by the same amount. Visual was also second by 1.0 point. It doesnt' sound like very much but 1-6 place is usually between a 3.0 spread. I reviewed the film and know what we need to work on to improve our show as a guard, and hopefully this weekend at the TIMP comp we will do better. We are looking for a clean sweep and we hope it happens.

2) I am having a new Latin Medley done for my ballroom team and so far it is doing fantastic considering we haven't been able to work that medley for three weeks. It is suffering at present, but it should quickly come together starting tonight as we re-awaken its soul from slumber. I also had the costume seemstress come in today to take measurements for those costumes and finally get started on them. It leaves my soul excited for that to be completed.

3) I am looking into some possible graveyard security work, seeing how that may be the only time I would be able to work another job, during the dark hours of the revolution. It call for 32 hours/week monday-thursday. I know it would literally kill me if i ran a life like that, working everyday, and only sleeping for a couple hours a night if that, and then being able to sleep a couple hours during the day as well...I don't know if it is smart...but it might be needed....who knows??

4) There is a day in every life, where one must reflect on things past, things present, and things future. No one really knows the reasons why they were, are, or how they will be, but one will always question. I consider photo's I possess, letters I read, phone numbers I wish to call, and the mirror that I see every morning with the short and sweet message it carries, and only by request am I silenced...Yes, the information of conjured moments of greatness still bring a smile.

5) About the monster...it seems that the heart was willing to fight, even at the risk of losing loyalty from one close to me. Words became the fists that were swung, elevated voices became the knives that were thrown, and in the end guns of vocabulary were loaded and fired; It became dirty. The mess surely awoke the sleeping giant of anger and frustration, and nearly let loose its path of devastation. Thank goodness for the wake of calm that somehow found its way through the fire and the noise...settling my breaking heart, it took command of the situation and made manifest to me, the way to leave the beast at rest and still fight the battle in a manner fit for reconciliation. All has become well with it, and still the monster sleeps; where I hope to keep him until the end of reckoning. I cannot share the specific details of those involved, but know it is well...for now.

6) I cannot believe how much this world tells us we can not do...they truly want us to give up, or to give in to the pressures of inadequacies. How is it, that the world we are to succeed in, is so concerned with being the cause of frailty? My kids in education, struggle so much with the homes they live in and the world they EXIST in because all they hear is that they are incapable of performance. Damned to the depths to all those who promote that kind of mentality. To any of those who feel under the reigning hail of negligence and negativity, whether they be dear sentiments of my heart, new or veteran students of mine, simple aquaintances, or all the likes there-of, my will of mind and soul are out in reach to you. Rise above the voice of pessimism. Believe in yourself as much as I do. See what God see's in you. Only then will you know and realize what you are truly capable of, and then result in the true character and nature of what you will become.

This man speaks in truth, and always will, even if it may lead to his death...

I love you~

To everyone who may read,
God bless and God speed.

Just a few things that I am thinking about...

2009-10-19T08:24:00.001-07:00

1) ...I am in a hard place, cornered, by kindness and submissiveness on one hand, and legal right on the other. I am forced into a situation that is creating something inside that I thought was put to rest long ago.

A monster.

My hands have never been raised in offense, nor have they responded in like of offense, in order of defense. I simply just take the blows as they come, and walk away. I am the kind of individual that will turn into the fight, and take the blows so as to end the conflict. I think nothing much of it, and just move on. But now I feel as if that will simply not work anymore...

That monster is being reborn, I can feel it. If I act upon the kind, passive, and submissive heart that is my life, it will slay the monster...but it will leave me crippled, and many of those around me crippled as well, unable to fend for themselves, for they know not the place in which they stand, and before they would ever find out, it would be too late...

If I act upon the hand of the law, it will give birth to this monster, raising metaphorical hands to battle against those around me, and sending that monster to dwell in the hearts of those close to me. I do not fear that monster in others, for I believe I was born to battle such demons, and to come out triumphant by suppressing the monster in myself in order to fight it in others.

But alas...to awaken that beast in order to protect the young at hand, means to sacrifice the dungeon in which this monster is held prisoner. To tear down the walls and set him free...

Can I be at peace while crippling those that can not fend for themselves...?

Can my soul rest knowing I have set free a demon to reign in the hearts of those close to me...?

I know not, but what I do know is this...I guess everyone has a breaking point.

2) The rules are always and ever present. They have not changed, nor will time tell if they will ever be without power to govern. Though I have broken them, more often than you may ever know, please understand that I mean it...power comes in the act of the meaningful, but to what end?

3) I have now been layed-off of my other employment position at windsor park because of the economy and the fall of finances. What that means, is simply that if I am to cover the expenses required to live in this world I must now seek more labor induced employment to meet those financial needs and obligations.

4) I am tired....I am exhausted....I am the wake after the storm, the calm in the distance, and the whisper that hails the hands of reconciliation.

....I am me....

is it enough?

The Ride of your life...

2009-10-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the ride; There is no return ticket

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help..

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..

Still here...

2009-10-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

...and checking in. :-)

Love ya~

Hope...

2009-10-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

...it seems, is more a sense of humorous irony than anything else...I don't mean to condone the possibility of hope, or the existence of hope, for God knows I live my life, build my expectations, and create the realm in which I teach the youth of our world, exactly what hope is...

But it is in the realm of hope that I find the strongest architecture of irony. The hope for the future is how I build the mentality of the youth I teach, its how I mold the thought process and patterns of how they see. It is the basis of how they learn to feel with their heart.

I teach them that hope is the first step to being able to see what I refer to as the intended future...no I am not saying that I can see the future, but rather I can feel the intended future for several of those around me, and in hope, for myself.

When I can place my hand on the mind of someone close to me, or my finger tips on the heart of someone dear to me, its then that I can secure a communication port between hearts and minds. Only then does it happen...I feel the impression of images and intentions of what seems to be things that have not come to pass...I don't claim they are real, I don't claim to be a seer, I don't claim to be a prophet, in fact, I usually don't share them with many people if any at all. I simply connect, see, feel, and then in most cases, wonder...

In the event that I might share it with someone of whom I have "read", many many weeks, or even months later when something I say transpires, someone always asks me how I knew? I have nothing to say except it is a lucky guess. Is it? I don't know...it happens more often than not, and to me it is really more of a curse than a blessing as most people like to think of it.

How would you like to be able to touch someone...ascend from this mere plain of Consciousness, and suddenly connect to them on a level that you didn't want to? You feel what they feel...but only for a moment...then it is that you realize the depths of despair, or the state of need, or the emotional unrest that they are prisoners of...and even worse...you know there is nothing that you can do to change what you see and feel....

How would it be?

The one person I wish I could see or feel...was myself. How does one connect with himself in order to see the things in his own future? Is that possible? Or is it only given that he may see that of those close to him, in order to help them through...?

Is this truly a blessing...? Or a darkening curse...?

Still I work with all heart and hope, to keep hope alive for those around me...and for myself. But what will it merit? Hopefully the best of that which we call happiness...

...and still I find myself hoping.....

Checking in...

2009-10-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

...so you may hopefully know that all is well.

Details will come later, I promise.

I am well.

"Many thanks your grace", for checking in with me...and sharing with me the elements of life that keep you.

The evolution of the past...

2009-10-04T09:50:00.001-07:00

His name is Hidalgo. Name taken from a film wherein a man's horse was named Hidalgo. A great film of adventure, intrigue, loyalty, risk, and love, Hidalgo served as the man's primary loyalty. Vast memories he held with Hidalgo, harnessed and cultivated with sentiment that could not be compared with any others in his class. Though there were many that were similar, this one was indeed special because of the way he was raised. He lived with him, ate with him, raced with him, and then eventually Hidalgo saved his life. Hidalgo was chosen for this particular Entity in my life because He and I have done the very things that had been done in the film...and eventually, he even saved my life....

Her name is Trinity. Also taken from the concept of a film titled "The Matrix". Trinity's roll was designed to be one of the main assisting factors in the main character's(Neo) quest to understanding. Although she was skeptical at first, as was I, in the naming of this Entity, confirmation came to me when I had a unique experience with her. Waiting for a red light to change to green, a 2007(Year being 2006) Toyota Celica pulled up next to me with a man wearing a suit and sunglasses. He turned to me, gave me the look, and when the light flashed to green we were off. Suddenly the message came to me..."an agent" was on my tail, and she was in flight to make sure she stayed ahead. Pure heart, and clean black curves, Trinity had become true to her name, outrunning the agent, and out living her expected life. As had become tradition with all entities, she too saved my life....

Many of you have met this Entity already. Graced with the name that no doubt is suitable for not only her appearance, this entity bears a name that holds true value in more ways than just one. Bella was given to honor the memory of a dear one close to me. Her name in actual script, B.E.L.L.A., serves as an acronym each letter representing a quality I found in such a dear friend.

Beautiful
Elegant
Lovely
Lavish
Altruistic

B.E.L.L.A. then became the standard for which I would search....search for someone who could fill the void that had become the emptiness in my heart. Even as trinity had become the attending lady in my life, teaching me much, B.E.L.L.A. had become the living lady in my heart offering me the memory, and the standard that will remain with me till that emptiness be filled.

From the rolling mountain territory that governed the march of Hidalgo, to the standard of hope that had become of B.E.L.L.A., I offer you now the name of the Entity that now carries the endeavors of my heart in the world. This Entity was chosen based on a character concept in a video game. Becoming the protagonist in the story of a young character, Tidus is thrown into a world that was not his own, nor of his own interests. However seeing the need to be there, and the necessity of his existence there, he realized as he bonded with his new friends, that they will have much more in life than just to simply exist. Tidus has become the protagonist in my life, aiding in every way possible, becoming a savior in one of my direst times of secular and physical demand.

I present: Tidus

Every Entity, and I choose the word "Entity" because I believe that each one is such; an entity of life. I do not believe in inanimate life, because how can something be inanimate, if it is life? How can it be an inanimate object, when objects are made of the same things we are....life. They see and they feel. They hear and they listen. They speak and they understand. They live, and they love.

....such is the evolution of the past.....

Checking in...

2009-09-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

This world is truly an awesome world, where life is not complete unless you have some life of luxury, at least to some degree. At least that is what the world would have us think, that is what our society would have us believe...

I use the word awesome, not because I think it is something incredibly good...but rather, to the true nature of the word, it is a subject that honestly leaves me in awe...

I don't know how else to put this, I don't know where you are, I don't know how you are doing...all I know is that I get a small piece of happiness when I see the random, but cherished notes sent from you.

They can not be expected, so I don't expect them.

They can not be responded to, so I don't respond to them.

And they can not be ignored...so I don't ignore them...

How could I ignore them? How could I ignore you...when far inside there is still a deep appreciation for you, and for your life, and for everything you have become.

I don't know how you really are doing, I can only assume, based on the short notes I get, that you are truly doing well. And for that I am happy! I am deeply happy for you. I could not ask for you to be blessed in a better way than you are now. I hear it is the happiest moments in life, to bring new life...I pray for the health and life of the little one soon to enter this world. And is that not an element that would create a life of luxury? I think so, I believe so, I know so...

I find myself writing again,
for no other reason than to tell you,
just how happy I think I really have been,
being involved with everything I do.

And odd it seems, to think day after day
that the only comfort I find is when I pray.
Hoping for an answer to a question I have had;
after hearing your news, "whats it like to be a...dad?"

I would always love to hear from you;
hows your boy? And yes, the little one too?
Me? I'm really well, I assure you I am;
This is me checking in, the only way that I can...

A realization....a Dawning....

2009-08-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am very old fashioned.....living in an incredibly modern and complicated world of confusion governed by the heavy, and often abused gavel of human emotions....no wonder no one in this world knows how to communicate....

The worth of ones weight in gold, is designated of its value, sent through a text message and the world is ok with that. The realm of love, has become just a game, played without second thought or consideration of its devastating effects.

I watch as the emptiness of those close to me, drives them to action that I know, and they know, will leave them in regret. How do I take a world, longing for flight, and show them the elevation of such accomplishment, without having to take a dive into the depths of darkened despair.

It is with great desire, that I seek the best in those around me, and the best for those around me...even at the sacrifice of things once thought valuable. For what is value in oneself, if not to give to those who think nothing of you?

...may sun warmed winds fill your wings of imagination, and send you soaring where your dreams may find grand architecture of reality. I hope in that reality you truly find what you are looking for...

I love you...

Dreacis Supereous

The beauty of true simplicity...

2009-08-27T09:13:00.001-07:00

...I just wish it really could be this simple....

A Beautiful Day!

2009-08-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

....today was indeed a beautiful day! Why one may ask, simply because of the happenings in said day. Not that anything terribly obvious took place, but as it is written, "by small and simple things, are great things brought to pass."

Today I went to help a dear friend simply by opening a door for her that was locked. To most people it might have just seemed like a simple or common gesture, and that it was. However, by doing such act moved into action things through out the day that would make my day better as each second passed.

Opening the door, bringing a friend and myself together in conversation, allowed me to be open to her, and to the things she is aware of. We spoke, and yet said nothing, but enough was felt. She knows me better than she thinks she does, but she berates herself as if to say she is not good enough. She needs to know that she is.

She has a gift, but does not know how to use it yet. In time she will learn it. That makes me smile... :)

Whether or not she will ever know, her concern for my wellness, and the current state of my heart, means much to me.

Thank you

As salaam alaikum,

vaya con dios,

The Sea Turtle...

A little on the lost side....

2009-08-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

because I just don't know what my head and my heart are telling me. I sit here, and though I face simple questions in my life, that seemingly should have simple answers as well...I find myself at a loss for words both silently and audibly.

What is the path that takes us to the place we want to be? I was out riding last night, and near the 23rd hour was brought to a sense of realization when I opened my eyes and beheld the Provo temple in the veil of my vision. Stranded upon my knees, paralyzed from movement, all I could do was watch the spectacle of heavenly manifestation pour out answers in silence. All questions that seemed to need the command of logic, found confidence in the serenity that was the temple grounds. All confusion that demanded clarity found peace of mind within the prayers that were offered...

...and yet today, Sunday, day of rest and refuge, I found neither in the activity of light that was the sun. Little consolation did I find in the open arms of nature through the passing wind during my motorcycle ride. Although I did find good company in the friends that were with me, my heart and mind seemed to conjure enmity for each other, and I could not explain why.

My heart tells me one thing, and obedience to that which my heart dictates is never in question...and today, I could not obey. Mental capacities that would offer a course of action based upon logical reason simply malfunctioned, and blurred the visual course it should have provided...

I am lost...I know that now.... I thought I was found, and realize now that the depths of distance had become the illusion of security in which I had built such a false hope.

...His name should be the path...I Hope it is. Her name should be the hope...I pray it is. My voice should be the prayer...I beg to be heard. To hear his name...should be the path...

...Is this the storm???

Mindi....for you...

2009-08-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

I know you probably don't want to hear this either, but I'm not sure how much you get on here, or read these things, even after you leave comments... Mindi, my dear Mindi... You have been, and are one of my closest and most cherished friends. Track record or not, I have loved you dearly for longer than many will ever know. One cannot just give that away, or forget what things have been done because of someone in our lives. You are my friend, you will always be my friend. I gladly read your advice with full heart, and know that you mean only the best for me. That is what friends do. As dear as you are to me, you will always be such. Thank you for everything you have done for me, and everything you have been to me.

God bless and God speed...

Love ya~

Jacob

P.S. I could never dismiss rules one and two...even if I take the plunge...

I thought it time....

2009-08-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

to get on and post again. I'm sorry to all those who might have been following, and haven't got anything since transformers 2. It has been a while, and I have nothing to say for it, or even to blame it on, but, just not getting on, and not posting anything.

But not to worry. I am here, and all of you can tell me everything about nothing! Just how I like it!

I am here to ask some advice....I am trying my absolute best to move my life in some kind of direction, opposite where it was, and where it used to be. Not that I don't like the direction it was traveling, but perhaps I just might need some motivation in the likes of a new direction, whether or not I like that new direction.

The name of said direction: Drum roll please..........."Dating!!!" DUN DUN DUN!!!!(said with a descending melody tone, and ominous music playing in the background)

My heart desires that which it has not been able to find in a long time. The close companionship of someone dear and special. I miss making memories of deep and sentimental value with someone that I care dearly about. I have been working to make pass all those cherished memories of near distant past, in order to make room inside the realm of emotion for something new.

It is proving more difficult than I ever thought...

But perhaps in the interest of eternal perspective...I thought maybe I was wrong, and maybe it is time that I do my absolute best to take a new direction. Like I said before, that direction being "dating", I really don't know how to approach this new direction, and more importantly, I fear it more than anything.

How do I overcome this fear? How to I take this new direction with open heart and heavy conviction that it very well could be the right road?

So it is, I ask that anyone who follows or who reads, might shed some light on the subject.

I love you all.

God bless and God speed...

The Brown Guy

TRANSFORMERS

2009-07-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

I have been a bit behind...but here it is as usual.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen

Starters, I saw it three times in the first 3 days of open. It was fantastic! Loved it!

Secondly, I loved how everything about it really went back to the roots. Good times. Yes I was a Transformers junkie when I was a child, and apparently I still am, and I AM OK WITH THAT! :)

Thirdly, I thought it was about time the Optimus owned up to his name! In the first one he got owned by megatron....not cool.... But in the second one, he stepped up to the plate, and literally swung like life depended on it, and it did! He took on 5 deceptacons, megatron included and owned them all....until he got sucker punched from behind by, the one the only, megatron.....wow. But man did he own everyone. He is a PRIME!!! YES!

Great movie over all, but there were a few things about the movie that I thought were a little much.

TOO MANY TRANSFORMERS!!!

The ones that needed to be there it was great for them! Then there was about a million transformers, and although I could identify and really connect with them(again, I was a junkie), it was a little fast, and a little much for the new incoming people who don't know much about all of them.

They could have done without the RC triplets, because the really didn't have much doing in the show...and even though the twins were amazingly funny the whole show, the could have done without them too. But they did for a time start to OWN devastator(the big deceptacon that was made from all the construction bots) till they just disappeared off the face...who knew....Personal favorite...."Sideswipe", the new Corvette, although I think they could have done MORE with him, and they didn't....he was still the coolest! :-D

I understand that they were in a war and that is all good, but maybe I am just being really picky about the movie.

Picky or not, I loved it. Like I said, I saw it three times in three days. And I am sure I will go and see it again(when I get some more money) :)

See it, see it again, see it even more!

God bless...

Drill...

2009-07-01T19:28:00.001-07:00

"Power drill" - The power drill used in heavy duty work jobs, construction, remodeling, etc.

"Drill it" - The action of reviewing material over and over until in becomes memory.

"The drill" - Often used as a question, e.g. "whats the drill?" to inquire as to what has been made the plan, course of action, or organization of future events.

"Drill" - The actual activity of repetitive motion in order to improve performance.

What does all this mean...???

I haven't a gosh dang clue....

What the heck is it with the freaking language we speak? say the words tomb, bomb, and comb...why does everything sound different? Same type spelling, but all sounding different...

....whatever......

Rules...

2009-06-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

"The only rules that really matter are these: What a man can do, and what a man can't do"
-Capt. Jack Sparrow-

I know this may very well get me into trouble, but it seems to me that things are the way they are.

Success happens because of structure; structure exists because of desire; desire is maintained and governed because of rules....are rules truly meant to be broken?

I don't know...but I do know this...

Silence has prompted action. Action into the things that I thought I wanted. More jobs, more class, more commitment, more dating, more money, and ultimately even less time. In the silence I have wrought rules for myself, to govern the things that I desire. Life, smiles, experience, travel, friends, fun, love....

The rules are as follows:

1 - Live like it was your last breath
2 - Never offer what you would never want in return
3 - Invest more than what you would ever think the return will ever be
4 - If you want to be there.....go.
5 - If you want a true friend, become so.
6 - Fun is the perception and view of a current situation, and how you make it out to be.
7 - Love is a state of heart, needing thorough refreshment of all things previous...

Of all rules set to govern the thoughts I maintain, and the actions I pursue, the only ones I have in mind all the time...

.....are rules one and two......

This probably means nothing to anyone, and that's okay. My mind usually ends up meaning nothing to everyone anyway and that's okay too because I am who I am, and no one needs like it except those who choose to. But I thought I would write, because after all that has become of my time, these are the results of my heart....because of that time.

Smiles be with you all...

...God Bless

We have a winner!!!

2009-06-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago I went and watched the new Disney/Pixar movie "Up", and I must say....it was an absolute heart warmer!

It becomes the ideal story about dedication, challenges, trials, change, people, attitude, success, life, and most of all....love.

Bent over the element of life that challenges us all, physically, mentally, and emotionally, "UP" builds an attitude that tells us we can do, what we want to do. Though trials may come our directions, forcing us to meet knew people, it becomes more about the nature of our being to see how far those challenges will take us, and how high we are willing to rise in order to test our sense of dedication.

Life it seems, then becomes not only about the measure of success we have, or the accomplishments that we see, but about living life itself. Love should be the most driving force in our world, and the things we see transpire, should be a result of it, and therefore the continuing element that illustrates the change in our world.

This story illustrates what is called "The Circle of the Soul":
-The body is controlled by the mind;
-The mind is guided by the heart;
-The heart learns from the soul;
-The soul lives in the body.

"Up" is truly an incredible movie, and a tear jerker for sure. If even any of you have a question about life and all the amenities that come with it, see this movie, and then re-think the path you walk. :)

God Bless...

HI!

2009-06-06T12:42:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you will get this in time, or ever...

But if you do, M.J., Happy Birthday!!!

A look from past, to present, into future.....Salvation...

2009-05-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

I apologize that this review took so long to put up here, but it became a really busy day, a busy week, and an even busier weekend! But as to my word, here it is.

Terminator opened last thursday, and it was FABULOUS! Film opened with a sequence with a man donating his body to a genetic research division of skynet laboratories. And then it jumped into the film...

I thought it was fantastic how everywhere in the movie, they paid homage to the previous three films. Gas station identical's from terminator 1, hot metallic fluid and frozen terminators from number 2, arnold got to have his cameo in this movie, plus several SEVERAL more. It was great! Even better, is that it is the first terminator movie that wasn't rated 'R'.

Great developement of characters and stellar written story line. If you haven't seen the other three movies, I might recommend that you try to see them, or at least get online somewhere and read the synopsi of all three. I only say that because, my friend Bob Dole, who went to see the film with us, was quite a bit confused because he hadn't seen any of the other films.

Other than that, intense film all the way through! It illustrated(in my opinion), the power of choice, and how we truly can change and alter the course of life by actions and results of our choices. Powerful movie, not just because it was good, or that the actors were good, but because the messages of the movie, if thought over carefully, really possess the mind capturing energy to help us see something of deeper meaning and more importance than just spending money to entertain us.

My recommendation? See the movie....but know what happened in the previous film's first ;)

God Bless!

Salvation!

2009-05-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that the next midnight movie shall take place! Terminator salvation will be released tonight at 12:01, and as usual, the crazy person that I am will be found in line, waiting for hours for the movie to begin.

I think this should be a pretty good movie. After all, it is the most stellar of actors by the name of Christian Bale. When it is complete, I shall, as always, give my report on the movie.

Peace!!!

"...Double take your speed in the opposite direction..."

2009-05-20T07:09:00.001-07:00

...Dreams...

Well, I said if I had dreams I would share them. Some how I knew I would. That is the interesting thing about it because I don't often remember dreams when I have them. It is said that when you sleep, your mind has to dream because it has to be working in order to function. If your mind ceases to work....you die.

I have learned little about psychology and the inner working of the human mind, but what I do know is that it is a powerful device. Dreams are also said to be a certain reality built upon our deepest desires, or our deepest fears. Taken from the far reaches of our mind(being the only place our mind has to take from), our mind will build these realities while we sleep based on the information it has.

In many cases, dreams have also been known to see, and warn us of future events. Little do we know at the time of reckoning, that we were literally watching future events that have not occurred yet. We don't realize what it is till the event actually transpires. "Deja Vu" anyone?

I don't claim to know what any of this means, but my word was to share, and so I share.

The dream...

There I was in my bedroom, one of the places of near complete solitude from the rigorous world we all live in. In walked a dear friend of mine. Saying a thousand things in a moment of silence, I felt like I was in shock. First of all seeing her here, and second, that she said nothing....but only looked at me.

After a long moment, she began walking through my bedroom. Slowly she started taking up little items of sentimental worth, and put them away. Hats, gloves, glasses, etc., she would put them in her bag. Turning pictures face down, she continued through the bedroom.

I didn't know why I was watching this happen, either in my dream or in the "real" world that was my dream.

I witnessed the whole thing and remained paralyzed as she did. Occasionally she would look at me and send her eyes so deep into my soul that I would have to look away to keep from weeping.

I found myself sitting out in the covered car port at my house. I never saw her physically walk out the door, but I knew she was in her car that was parked in front. The engine started, and when she drove away, I noticed she was not alone in the car. "Who?" I wondered, but it was too late. She was gone...

I returned to my bedroom to see what had happened. I found letters missing, pictures gone, and sentiment robbed of my solitude. On a shelf above my computer desk I saw a picture of my family standing with a bouquet of flowers in front of it. Next to that I found another picture of the team I coach. "Interesting", that she would place those two photo's next to each other, and above my desk.

I continued to look around the room to see what things had been moved, taken, or changed. Many things were...but on the bed, I found a piece of ribbon. On it was written a short message.

"...Double take your speed in the opposite direction..."

Sleep...

2009-05-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

....whats that?!

Here I am at 1:15, and I know I have a early engagement at 7:00 to cut music, and I really want to go to sleep but I just can't. What else to do when you can't sleep..???

BLOG!!!!!!!

What do you do when you can't sleep because there is too much to think about, and yet there really is nothing to think about that can be done with what you are thinking about...??? ...ouch.... Did that really hurt that much to think about, or is it really just getting late?

Some other thoughts while they are on my mind:

IF you are doing what by heart, feels right, and yet by the law it is 'considered' wrong, is it wrong? Or is it right?

How do you approach someone who has been in violation of so many things, and yet they feel like they are completely free of any wrong?

What is it about you that makes you who you are? What is it about you that will make me remember you more so than any others?

Is it ok to tell an 'appropriate lie'?

B.E.L.L.A. thinks its fun to be out at night under the stars....I do too!!! :)

I am colorblind...

Ok, I think my heart and mind are completely consumed by anxiety, and therefore have nothing of worth to say anymore...

Did I tell you that I can't remember that last time I watched a full TV episode of...well, just about anything tha wasn't news? I think I am crazy....I was visiting with some dear friends of mine, Matthew Stacey, Chris Buttars, Tyler Whittaker(long time good friends), and Tyler's girlfriend Jessica. Matthew kept quoting 'Simpsons', Tyler kept quoting 'Futurama', and Chris kept quoting 'Family Guy'...all I could do was sit and watch them, and laugh when something occured as funny to me. I quote movies....but none of them knew what the heck I was talking about.

We played 'Rock Band' for a bit, and when I would ask what movie some of the songs were from they would look at me like I was retarded or something....but what are friends for if not to make you feel retarded about things eh? To love you more as soon as they are done making you feel that way! :)

All I know is that the thoughts in my head at present are constituted of many things, from many different places, and most of all from many different friends. I always wondered what it would be like to finally take a trip to Alberta...I even entertained the idea of doing it this weekend over memorial. But what would I find there? Who knows...???

I wanna take a trip back to Jamaica, see old friends, visit old stomping grounds, and perhaps share the sunsets and beaches with someone close to me. When will it all happen? Heaven knows when, if ever at all.

There is so much do to, and so little time to do it in. So many people in the world and so few the minutes to meet them all. So many places to see....but none of it means anything without someone to frame the memories with.

You know, I think I need to get this out....For months I have felt a certain heart ache, and slowly I have felt it become firm in its belief. Some people say I am getting old, and that I need to get married. Trust me when I say that its not for lack of trying. Even recently, in the last couple months, back in november, back last summer....I tried with my soul to become emotionally involved with someone. It would start, and it would feel 'ok', but before I could even any further along with any one, the overwhelming sense of betrayal always over took me. That sense came only to myself, because of myself.

What I mean to say, is that my heart has given itself to a sense of loyalty. And in doing that, has become wary of betrayal. I can feel it when it is present. I enjoy the company of dear friends, even friends that are ladies. But because of my heart, I can not invest more than certain friendships with those around me.

It is now 1:45, I need sleep to come...perhaps when I dream, I shall share it! :)

God Bless...

Suddenly Sunday!

2009-05-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

And there it was, all of a sudden...it snuck up on me....Sunday! What a great day! I spent the day at my parents ward, because I was helping my mother give her Sunday school presentation on Temples.

How beautiful a blessing it is that we have temples in our midst, that we have the power of the Priesthood to grace our lives with the light of love of our Heavenly Father. How true the gospel is, here in the fullness of the dispensation of times. And how happy it is I find myself, living within the perimeter of its protection!

I watched today, as my Mother bore her witness of the divine truth of everlasting ordinances, and how the saving ordinances bears the burdens of the world so she does not have to. My father as well, watched as his love of eternity bore her soul in the name of Christ our Savior. How tremendous a testimony it is that they have born children, and bore them hand in hand teaching the precepts of eternal salvation.

How blessed am I to be able to have such amazing parents. Its been too long since I sat in church meetings with them, and listened to them testify of the things they know to be truth. I hope and pray that I will be at least half the man as my father, at least half the example as my mother, and at least half the testimony of truth as are my parents.

I love them both, dearly....

Its time you meet her...

2009-05-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it has been a long week, not really long by way of the time aspect since each day has 24 hours, each hour has 60 minutes, and each minute has 60 seconds. But what made the week long is simply that every second of every minute, seemed to cry out one thing...how much I wanted to be with her.

There is very little that can explain the burning desire to be with someone who makes you feel like you belong in the heavens. Now I know that this may sound different to many people, but alas, it is what it is. She has been in my thoughts all week, and in my sunrise I just want to smile and tell her how much she reminds me of everything....

Many things tell me that her name is so important. It is the incantation of magical release! To speak it well, and proper, is to levitate the very calling of her name, and thus envelope yourself into the depth of her magnificence. I believe firstly that names are keys to the doorway of intimate intellect, and without possession of such keys we doom ourselves to mental famine.

She brings so much to my heart and mind, because there is so much in the meaning of her name. Everything about her name, spells the history of her life. Granted she may only have a short physical relationship with me, literally one week. But it is the emotional relationship that becomes everything....

I want you to meet B.E.L.L.A.

B - eautiful
E - legant
L - ovely
L - avish
A - ltruistic

No, I do not mean to say that what may appear to all of you as a simple motorcycle, possesses all of these things listed above. But rather, to suggest to you that the motorcycle's name, represents the very best in one whom possesses all of those qualities, and that the motorcycle itself is a manifestation of memory, and thus has earned the name because of such memory.

I wish I could explain how my heart has, at the christening of B.E.L.L.A., become intuitively bound to her...but it is indeed, something that can only come to one who has felt first hand the magnitude of her influence.

She is truly an entity of such awesome power. Having realized that, I understand that if I do not respect her, and the limitless nature of who SHE is, I could devastate elements of delicate structure.

B.E.L.L.A., I want you to know that although my heart cries for you, I shall wait till all things are in order...for she has not even a form that states she is legal, no plates that will allow her to be taken out to the streets, or up the canyon, or anywhere else she might feel to go. But B.E.L.L.A., my dear sweet B.E.L.L.A....she is in my heart when we are at a distance...

Angels and Demons

2009-05-15T02:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, like I said I would be, I was for sure there at the midnight viewing of 'Angels and Demons'. My opinion of the film is that it was over all really really good. It captured most of the things that the book did, but it was a bit sudden on the actual start of the story into the plot. There was not a whole lot of intro, or explanation, or even the subtle type of opening like the book had. It jumped right in at conclave. It wasn't bad at all, just different. There were quite a few things different by way of roles played, and how they were portrayed, and what jobs some roles had throughout the movie, but I didn't mind it because key elements of the book were pretty different than key elements in the movie, but then they were all tied in through different character plots. I liked it! I really did. Not nearly the bloody film at all. The was some flesh branding but that is it, a few gun shots off here and there but nothing gory.

Like I said in my previous post about it, it is a movie that really addresses two sides of our society that seems to be at the most conflict most of the time. Very interesting movie if you like the controversial type of thing. Thats just me. I like it :)

Personal opinion: At the very least a must see, if only once.

THURSDAY!!!!

2009-05-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

So...its thursday.....GUESS WHERE I AM GONNA BE AT MIDNIGHT?!?!?!?

...um yeah.....slightly excited. I will be sure to get on and leave my personal review of the film commencing 12:01 tonight. :-)

Make it a good day!
Make it a memorable day!
Make it a beautiful day!
Make it yours....

...and most of all...

Remember to smile....

at current....circles....

2009-05-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am kinda running in circles....not sure why, not sure where these circles are taking place that I am apparently running around in. More interesting and possibly even funnier than anything else about it....is that for some reason I just want to keep running...

Perhaps if I keep running, I may find an outlet in these circles. But then what is on the outside of the circles? I know what is inside the circle - the level of comfort that tells me everything inside is going to be ok; A field of vision that tells me everything outside of the circle is there to test my faith and belief.

But what do I believe?

I speak not of the religious beliefs that govern the life I live, but rather, belief itself in the life I live. The decisions are mine. The consequences of such decisions are mine. The directions I am moving are mine. But to what end? I love....I truly love. It is not often, but when it is, it is deeply convicted...

Is this love a belief? Is it a knowledge? Is it an act of faith? All I know, is that it is love...and it is only love as far as I can understand it...which in most cases is only as far as I can see. Inside the circle, I see it clearly. Outside of the circle, I only pray it is there and willing to come inside, granted all elements are in order for it to do so...

I must be crazy....I speak of these things as if it will make a difference. It won't, at least not now...but i speak in hopes, nonetheless....

MAY MADNESS!!

2009-05-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ok its not really madness, its actually more like May...well, I guess its just may....

Firstly, to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's day, God bless and God speed!

Secondly, concert was a raving success, and when I say raving, I mean RAVING! Not only did it turn out to be one of the best concerts I think I have seen my kids put on, but everything about it was very heart lifting, smile warming, and most of all, memorable....The students who took part in this years spring production were superb! They worked hard, and they deserved every sound of applause they received. The performance was stellar! Thank you, all of you!

Thirdly, lets talk movies!!!!

Movies this month that have been released, and are yet to be released are as follows:

May 1
-Ghosts of girlfriends past Starring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner
- X-Men Origins - Starring Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber

Okay "critics" ;) j/k....

X men origins: Absolutely fantastic! Always loved the story of logan, and how his history was proclaimed. The story differs slightly from the original stories of the comic books(yes, I used to be a slight comic junkie), but thats ok. The portrayal of his life in that movie was pretty much accurate.

Ghosts of girlfriends past: Looks great! Looks Funny! Always been a fan of M.C.'s acting through his career, and there was even a time when my good friend Matthew and I used to watch "Alias" on the TV, because we were loyal watchers of the show(and of Jennifer Garner, in fact it was because of her that we first started watching the show, and THEN it turned in to actual interest in the show). It kinda makes me wonder about the girlfriends I had in the past..... ;)

May 8th

-Star Trek

Ok, I am not a trekkie or anything like that. My best friend even gives me grief because I haven't seen any of the original movies that came out some years ago, I think even before I went on the mission and such. But from the prevue's it turned over a side of interest, and then it began to grow everytime I saw it. As it turned out, I ended up at one of the late night show times to watch it. I enjoyed it! Very entertaining, and quite enlightening as well! If I had the chance to see it again, I think I would.

May 15th

Brothers Bloom
Angels and Demons

Brothers Bloom:
I don't know much about this movie, but that it talks about two brothers I think...and their lives as con-artists. I love Mark Ruffalo, and I think that Brody is a pretty good actor too. I don't know if I will push to see this movie, but if I end up with the opportunity I won't complain.

Angels and Demons:
Ok...where do we start..??? I think this might be the movie I am MOST excited about to be released this summer which is saying something! Terminator Salvation(which I will talk about next) comes out, and I am sure I want to see this one more than that. DaVinci code was fabulous! It spoke of a hidden truth(or so it was claimed by the author), and really put an interesting perspective on one of the biggest religions in the world we live in. When I read it, and saw it I told people(especially of the LDS affiliation) that it could have the potential to sunder testimony if a testimony wasn't sound. I think it was incredible simply because everything I had learned and studied about theology and history seemed to run so perfect in the movie. It complimented both fields of studies, and yet it tested the nature of them both as well.

Angels and Demons does the same. It speaks both of Religion and Science, and in such an intricate way, compliments both, and yet challenges them both at the same time. It addresses the questions really asked by everyone in this world. Was it the weaving hand of science that over the evolutionary periods of time have shaped us to what we are? Or was it the omnipotent hand of Deity that molded our world, and us? Is it wrong to think that one could not be if the other prove true? Or is it so far out to really believe that one truly supports and proves the truth of both...and the other as well? It shows us the true epic battle of the two dominant forces of driven will in the world: Science and religion. It may have some brutal points in the movie, but I think that is important to have, considering that those two things throughout time have been the two most elements that blood has been shed over. The two things in time that people were willing to die for...There is no question about it. I KNOW I will be there, at midnight make no mistake about it! ;)

May 21st
Terminator Salvation

Okay, this is the other one this month that I am dying to see! It is a VERY clost second to Angels and Demons, but that doesn't make it at all any inferior to the above listed, only that my interest in it is different, in a different way.

Any one who has seen the series of Terminator movies knows that this one has been long waited, and well earned. In the first film the machine was sent from the future, to destroy Sarah Connor, so John Connor(the apparent savior of the war with the machines) would not even be born. In the second film, after John Connor had been born, two machines were sent back from the future. One was sent to protect John Connor, and the other was sent to complete the job the first one was sent to do, only it wasn't ordered to kill Sarah...it was ordered to kill the boy John Connor. In the third film, a machine was sent from the future to ensure that "skynet"(the program that will allow the rise of the machines to commence) is successfully set into play within the computer systems of the human world. But as always, another one was sent back to stop it from happening. What ends up happening? Machine is stopped, but skynet is still launched and in turn sends John into the underground to be "safe", but it was actually so he and his wife could produce, while in the underground facility, the resistance team that will be used in the final war against the machines.

Finally, in the fourth film, here is what happens. A machine is sent back through time, but has not knowledge that it is a machine, and is under the belief that he is a human fighting with the resistance. What happens next...??? I don't know! It hasn't come out yet!!!

What a good month! I can't wait....I know this may be a little premature for the month of June, but just as excited as I am for Angels and Demons....is the movie Transformers 2! Yes!!!!!!

Ok I will stop blabbering about nothing important and let you all get back to your important lives. Good luck, and hope to see you all at the movies!!

God Bless!

Fun!!!!

2009-05-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, it is now time for all the fun...well, as much fun as I can have with school started again....meh.....

Anyhow, it is concert week, and our show opens tomorrow...wait, I mean today! First show is tonight at 7! I am very excited for this concert! I wish everyone could come, and see how amazing these kids are and how much passion they have for what they do! Its awesome!

Tonight after work, I ran down to the local theater, and watched the new movie come out called "Star Trek". I am not a huge trekkie or anything like that, but I was pretty interested in seeing this movie for some reason. I liked it! I liked it a lot! But the movie that has captured my little imagination and attention, is the movie coming out next weekend. "Angels and Demons" is probably one of the most exciting movie I think I have been waiting for! I will for sure be there at midnight, if there is such a show next week. I can't even think straight, I am so excited....

Movies....they are a good past time, if thats correctly used as such. But they do more for me than just create past time, or entertainment...they are a reminder to me of things...things past, and things future. They help me retain good memories of good times...how I miss those times...but alas, all in proper I reckon.

This has been a good week for me. I wish I could say something cool, or memorable about my week, but it was just an ordinary week, in the life of an ordinary man(if I can even be considered a man). And I am ok with that. It may be just "ordinary", but it is a stellar experience for me to live in my life...because it is just as nuts as anything I have ever been part of...and I have been part of something amazing, and I would never let that go for anything!

In time, all things shall take proper course....of that I am sure. :)

GOOD NEWS!

2009-05-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

No I am not having a baby...besides, don't you need a wife for that kind of thing anyway...??? NO! I am not getting married either, you bunch a weirdo's! Jeez, get your heads straight! ;)

But, I did....in the most strenuous semester of my life, manage to pass all my classes! Yes!!!!! I was worried about my civi class, but I got a B, and I got a C in my astronomy class which I thought I was doing much better in. But that was my lowest grade! Granted I didn't get a 4.0....but that is quite ok with me I think, considering the load I was taking this semester.

I just thought I would give a "FINALS" update, and there you have it.!

May sunshine and a cool breeze, always accompany you, ever where you may find yourself...

-The Brown Guy-

What an un-godly hour....

2009-05-06T01:02:00.001-07:00

...or is it quite the contrary? I think so... :)

This image is of the beautiful peak overlooking the valley where I live, and a harness of the greatest memory...

People say that times like it is now(2:45am), is supposedly "un-godly". But how is it possible to be such an ungodly hour, when I find the most understanding, I feel the most at peace, and I sense that those far away, could be closer? Over all I feel like those things that I need in my life might be closer to me when I am in these hours of the morning.

I feel sometimes I want to curse and bless technology at the same time. I love it because it allows me to get so much done at the reach of my hands, and the punch of computer keys. I enjoy a great deal of digital engineering. I spend a great deal of time, creating things of sentiment value for those that are dear and close to me. I create solid and tangible evidence of memory, so the very memories that are created, can be taken, and cherished for as long as technology is available. I blog....I never really felt the need for it in the past, didn't really want to get into it, but now that i have I appreciate it SO much more. It is the very means of communication to some whom I may not see or physically talk to for a very long time. I edit music at the touch of the mouse. I read detailed message updates from dear ones cherished. I speak to family across the country via 'webcam', and see how they are doing; nieces and nephews growing older, and becoming smarter...which reminds me...Jack buddy, Laki saw you in a photo, and asked why he never see's you anymore...? I told him that you had a lot to do, caring for and looking after some pretty special people in your life. I think He understands....he takes care of me more often than I admit...but I told him, that maybe, sometime later, he might get to see you again. I hope that is so...

On the other hand, I condemn the reach of my hands into the touch of technology, because the very reach of my hands, and the act of tapping the keyboard, composes a medley of internet sites, all of which flood memories of the greatest times...and yet some of the most foolish times...

I love where I am...I love where I am going...I wish only, that there was a hand I could share it with.

A friend asked me recently why I don't have a "lady friend", and why I am not pursuing in order to find myself a "lady friend"...I really didn't have much to say to that, except, that I feel like in the recent attempts of dating, and courting the few local girls that sparked any kind of interest, I didn't get anything in return but silent ridicule, and I often felt like I was used...I didn't really want to answer in that particular way to this friend of mine, and so I didn't. All I know, is that inside I have this burning sensation, and it tells me that my time is coming....I don't know exactly what that means, as I don't know what much of anything means in this bloody world...but i do know that the feeling I have, can not be ignored; To ignore, would surely mean to bring greater upset, and who needs more upset, especially now....

I keep my life in a busy, and very rigorous routine. As someone dear to me once wrote, "I don't like to upset that"...I involve my time and energy in to those things that satisfy the working mind, and yet keeps it yearning for more. But only one thing can truly satisfy the yearning SOUL...to share the soul...

Loss or gain...?

2009-05-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

In the light of life, so cherished as it is, I find myself asking a simple question yet again. However, this time it is not to the mirror that I adore so much, but rather it is to the skies above, and the stars beyond....

Have I lost....or have I gained....???

I seek the comfort of heart, and find it in a name...not my name, but a name of such resounding beauty to me...

I search for life, and find it in the treasured sound of a voice, not my voice, but a voice of such spoken serenity to me...

I draw a picture of the dictated images of happiness that only my heart can illustrate, and it is no folly, that the picture is not of me...

I feel for the resolution of mind that every one longs to acquire and endure, especially through hard times...and acquisition is sustained, but not because of me...

...One has found the loyal dedication to his heart, and therefore drawn the happiness of life as only he can understand, and in doing so has found consolation in the solidity of his decision.

The results of such have essentially allowed me to invest time into other aspects of life that need to be completed. However, the aspect of social communion, has therefore become nearly non-existent, and that to me is perfect.

I have surrendered my desire for lesser things, in search of higher understanding and deeper fulfillment. In doing so, have I lost or have I gained...???

The Mirror...

2009-05-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, a result of the day...bruised(literally because of a rough game of ultimate frisbee), broken(simply because in the above mentioned game, I re-injured the same shoulder that I had multiple times before, as well as a pulled hip flexor), and in awe of such a day that came with out warning, and without forgiveness. Do not be deceived by the words which I write here, for it is in my decision to make my day what it is, that makes me the very result of it.

Each morning as I prepare to observe myself in the rays of accomplishment, should I find such a thing in my day, I inquire of the emptiness that surrounds me and find interest in the silence of its answer.

"Are you there?"

To whom do I speak you might ask? And it is with a smile that I answer, with a question of my own. To whom would you like to be speaking with? To they that are in my heart, which could be anybody. It needs not be a physical person I speak to, nor need there be someone to respond at all. I speak with my heart, and therefore, feel the response from those whom I speak, also within my heart. I need not words. I need only the soft rhythm with which I hear the answer. If my heart sounds, so does the heart from which I seek the return.

Is it God? Of course! Is it love that you speak to? How could it be anything else?

And then in the dawning moment of each beautiful morning, I find the dawning moment of realization. Through the mists of each day, I look for the clearing. And it is there that I find it. The mirror...and upon looking at said mirror I find the answer! No....it is not my reflection that I see, for there is none to behold. But rather, it is in the unclear images, that I find what I need....the symbol drawn in the accumulated clouds, printed in to the face of reflection, so that I may see it every day...

Thus, it is without warning that my heart is taken, and even more so, it is not forgiving...for the emotion that is withdrawn so overwhelms the soul with great intensity that it can only bring tears...tears of welcome spirit...tears that have written a name across the holds of memory...

To dear God, I know you are there. It is not question nor doubt. It is only truth and conviction.

To dear love...I pray you return, for I miss thee...and my heart longs to hold you close...

The mirror becomes the point of choice, and because it is one near the first element of my day, it is also one near the last. It begins there as a choice...and ends there as the result....

Finals!!!

2009-04-26T22:26:00.001-07:00

This is it...where it all comes down to...results of the push....

...FINALS....

It is now 11:30, and I am not quite ready to go to bed yet. I should...because I have an early day tomorrow, first final at 7:00am, meaning I need to be up and ready by 6:00, so I can be warming up my voice! My first final is a voice performance of my first ever, SATB composition. For my first, I think it is good...I am recording it, and hopefully it will sound good. If so, I will see about attaching an audio file of it...if thats even possible. Wish me all luck!

I think all together, finals are LAME!!! But I guess that is how it goes when you are NOT the teacher. :P still think its lame, but maybe I am just complaining....I think I do that sometimes....

On a good note, I am here at the end of the semester, the one I thought I was gonna die in. AND I DIDN'T! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I still have two more assignments before I can go to bed, so I am off.

See ya!!!

Almost done!!!

2009-04-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the last official week of school is done, and one hell of a week it has been too! Man, this week has seriously crippled my thought processes, and its not quite through yet. This is just the last official week, and then finals start next week!

My first final begins at 7am on monday morning, and how excited I am for it too! Two finals on moday, two on wednesday, and that SHOULD be it for the finals. My other classes don't have any kind of comprehensive finals, which is a good thing! :P

Through this semester I kept telling myself I would never to this again, at least not this big of a load...here I am, getting ready to plan another big, stupid, busy, ridiculous, semester just like this one. Am I mad?!?! I think so! Especially I will have even MORE going on by way of work and teaching. Getting a junior company again, directing the color guard for the marching band, my regular teaching schedule, coaching, and once again....of course I will be in school again :}....MADNESS!!! But for some odd reason...I like it....any guesses as to why I like so much craziness???

I think I like it so much because it keeps me busy, and not in depths of "nothing to do", or "I miss you", or "I'm bored", or anything else that comes into mind when I am just sitting. I can't stand it when nothing is going on in my life...

....Oh well....Life goes on, and if you don't go with it, well.....you get left behind right? I guess you win some you lose some eh?

Open Mic...

2009-04-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I got done with work around 9:30 and when I checked my phone, I had a text message from a good friend of mine, Joey Ranalli, asking if I wanted to come down to the pennyroyal for open mic...needless to say, I was stoked to go. Joey is a good friend of mine, and we have such a good musical chemistry. We can feel each other, and read each others intentions by way of how we move in our music.

When I got down there he was waiting, and so was the cafe. I plugged in, and away we went. Improv chord progression, and improv lyrics, we do what we do well...we create music.

Joey is truly a talented person of musical magic. On a previous occasion where we were able to just sit, kick back, and play music freely, one of my best friend's sister was there, and she was SO convinced that we were playing rehearsed music....but she was in utter shock when she learned that I was just playing free chord progression, and he was creating lyrics on the spot. I can't tell you how intimidating it is to stand next to someone of such musical genius as is Joey.

On a positive note, I am learning the comforts of open guitar, under the veil of eyes that is the world audience; I hope to be able to stand, breath in, and in turn release the musical vision I feel is stirring within me, the movement of my soul, and the smile it brings to my heart...and hopefully to yours too...

God Bless...

A little lighter...

2009-04-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

I can't explain how this day has been....a little lighter is all I can think of.

Burdens bearing the weight thought at first to be nearly unbearable, but with a little encouragement from good friends, and a great deal of help from upstairs, I found the day light came a lot sooner than I wanted it to....but in good welcome! :)

I think learning is such an amazing aspect of life, and I am so grateful for the chance I have to learn; learn so much about so many things, and so many people.

It is Wednesday afternoon, 4pm, and I am here for another hour till my rehearsal starts. I am so happy to be part of the lives of the kids I teach! In all reality, I think they teach me more than even I admit to myself. They steer the vessels of patience that carry me to and fro within the particulars of my life. They drive the machine of discipline that shows me the line between where life exists, and where it becomes passion. They are truly amazing people....

I feel very fortunate to have been given such opportunities to live...not just exist...

Perfect timing....

2009-04-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how perfect that was for me to get that. There I was sitting in the library after work. Feeling a little down on things...I had just got back from tour, I was a week and a half behind, and it is finals next week. I was listening to a song called storm(one of my favorites) when I got an email from you buddy!

First, the message was what I needed! Jack, you are fantastic! Just when I felt like I needed something that would lift my spirits, you sent me that email and it did just what I needed it to. Thanks again!

How stellar of friends I have, that Jack could take care of me as well as he did. What a DUDE!!!!

You too my dear friend... It was a few minutes before midnight, and I had been sitting there in the library since I got off work(almost 9 hours) catching up on homework. At this point, I had gotten down on myself quite a bit, feeling overwhelmed with the loads of homework I needed to have done this week to catch up, a take home final due tomorrow(today actually by the clock), my composition needed to be completed and taught to my group, the chapters and lectures I need for my civi class...and all in all, STILL BEING IN THE BLOODY LIBRARY AT MIDNIGHT!!!

....life savers you are, both of you....

"Have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through"

I was ready to give up. I was, until I read that. It gave me a second wind. With a little prayer, and the help of good friends, I drove home when the library closed, and went to work. Here it is now 1:30, and everything I needed to have done by tomorrow is done.

Thank you, both for caring enough to see me through my hard times...

I love you both!!

God Bless....

This week!

2009-04-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this week has been something crazy! I am on tour with my kids here in California and it is an experience I will never forget!

We left early monday morning, and drove straight through to California. Long trip, but fun. My kids are awesome! They always know how to have a good time. We are stayed at a hotel right across the street from Disney Land/California Adventure, which I do say are a lot of fun. We had one show at Disney Land, and then another show at California Adventure. Needless to say, disney's show had some malfunctions...but California adventure was a screaming success! The kids did amazing!

We also had a show at a venue called "Midi-evil Times"....I must say, I think that I was born in the wrong time period. I could not get over how fascinating the show was!! Real horse mounted knights, jousting, and battling, weapon to weapon, horse to horse! It was astounding, and breath taking...I cried when it was over. Something about the pride of defending loyalty and honor in the name of a great king, and in the virtue of his Queen. It takes me to a place written in lore, inked in history, and inspired more and more each day by the vast imagination of mind...how glorious!

The week is drawing to an end now, and I wish I could have written more upon each day, but alas, it was not possible. Te resorts here across from Disney Land are pretty ridiculous. In order to have internet here at these resorts, one must pay 10.99/24 hour period of time. Unwilling to pay almost $70 to have internet, I just didn't get on. Until we found a wireless server broadcasting somewhere close to the resort....it allows free internet!!! Yay!!!!

That has been my week, and truly memory worthy it has become. I love my kids, for they teach me so much about who I am, and why I do what I do. They inspire me to maintain who I am, because of how much I have passion for them, and for their success. Thank you Provo, for so much you have done with me, and for me. You will never know how much you have molded my heart for the better...

FAB5!

2009-04-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

OK! So this is how this works...The first 5 people to respond to this post will receive something made by me for you. My choice made especially for you. Of course there are some restrictions and limitations:~1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!2. What I create will be just for you.3 It will be done sometime this year.4. You have no clue what it will be... it may be a story. It may be poetry or an article on properly cleaning your face before a masque. I may draw or paint something. I may bake something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure. ;-)5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.6. I will send it anywhere! It doesn't matter where you live!The catch? The catch is that you must repost this on your own blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on their blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did will win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me!!Oh! And be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it.

Love ya!

~Shiz~

WOW....a thought to myself.....

2009-04-12T22:07:00.001-07:00

Easter, the time of the year when we remember the greatest event in the history of mankind; the risen Lord Jesus Christ. What a good time of the year, families come together, differences are forgotten, hands are employed in the service of those we love so dearly, and of course...one of the biggest meals you will see in the year occupies the dinner table, leaving hardly any room for anyone to eat! So...we all just make a plate of food, gather around in the living room, or outside, or downstairs, or wherever we want really, and just enjoy each others company. How we love family!

I BBQ'd like I usually do, running the grill is the game I like to play at big family functions like this one. Steak, char sieu, teri-burgers, turkey burgers, hot dogs, potato salad, chips and drinks and good company! I think running the grill might be my favorite part of these kinds of things. I love it!

After the food, there is games, and movies, and wrestling, and kids, and candy. Before all the little kids came home from church, me and my cousin Jacob got to get the Easter egg hunt all together! Eggs, eggs, candy, eggs, chocolate, oh and more eggs! Everywhere across the yard, and in the trees, and in the flower pots, and any where else we wanted to hide them that we thought might be fun for the kids. What a good day. Watching the little children run about with each other, finding the little things on this day that make them happy...and make us all happy.

My little Laki, my nephew is so cute(as are all of my nieces and nephews). But this one, for this particular reason. There I was, on my laptop, when in he walked wearing his smile as only a cute little boy could ;) Only 3 years old, he is so cute, and knows so much.

He walks in on me as I was chatting with an old mission buddy for a few minutes. "Unco?" he asked with his shy little voice(as that is how he and all my little nieces and nephews pronounce the word 'uncle'). "Yeah little brother?" I answered as I continued to type, "who's that?" he asked with such innocence as he stood there.

"Who is who?" I responded still paying attention to the conversation I was having. "Who is THAT" he said again, emphasizing that word 'that' as he pointed to the monitor connected above my desktop level. Following his finger, I looked up at the picture displayed on the monitor and smiled. "Come here little brother" I said as I picked him up and sat him on my lap. "Do you remember who that is?" I asked him as we both pondered the photo. Nodding his head all he did was smile again. "Do you remember?" i asked him again, making sure he remembered. "Who is it? Tell me." I said to him.

He didn't answer for a moment. And as we sat in silence, I gazed at the picture and quietly wondered whether he really knew who it was. Just then he turned his head and looked at me, and whispered her name softly. "Who???" I inquired again leaning closer to hear him. He then answered again with the affirmative answer of who was in the photo. I closed my eyes as tear's almost overwhelmed my composure.

"That's right!" I answered as I opened my eyes. "Whats wrong unco?" he asked so timidly, and so real with concern. "Nothing little brother, just happiness". That is all I could think of to say at the moment. "Sometimes, when you are happy, you cry. That's all"

Truly, happiness can be manifest through a few heart felt tears, and through the memory, innocence, and smile of so small a child...

Is this what it might be like to be a father? I wondered that as the day went on...I don't have any of my own children, I have not even a wife with which to have them with. But it occurred to me, that maybe...just maybe, things like raising this little boy as much as I have, might be preparing me to become a father. I know it sounds a trivial thought to so many people, and that's quite fine. But for me, I learn it when I do, and I realize it when I am supposed to....

Stars...

2009-04-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

"I thought they were fire flies...fire flies stuck on that big blueish black thing..."

"I thought they were big balls of gas burning billions of miles away."

"My father always used to say, that the great kings of the past are up there, watching over us"

"That is why I shared my life force with a dying boy, so I would re-unite man and dragon and ensure my place among my ancient brothers of the sky."

"There is no night, without stars."

Anybody know where these great quotes come from? A little fun for you all, as you read. Enjoy!

How different we all see the stars. How infinite, and how holy...yet they seem to speak to us as if they possessed life! Truly they are the greatest message of hope and inspiration for us all in our direst needs.

The darkest nights may hold the deepest fears, and the most harboring storms hide from us the glory of the stars; Yet if we endure the storm, and fight the fears, we will see when the clouds part, that the stars were for our cause, fighting the great battle from the other side.

"Friends are like stars. Just because you don't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there...."

Thank you for sharing that with me. Truly I felt as if I might have to endure the darkest night, not knowing if the stars would shine...

"How far away the stars seem, and how far is our first kiss, and ah, how distant my heart."

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."

How I feel at present....

2009-04-09T07:30:00.001-07:00

Sitting here on this lonely dock,
watch the rain play on the ocean top.
All the things i feel i need to say
I can't explain in any other way.

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relive my pain.
Your the one thing that I'm missing here
with you beside me I no longer fear

I could have saved so much time for us
had I seen the way to get to were i am today.
You waited on me for so long
so now, listen to me say...

I need to be bold, need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you.
I finally see you were naturally,
the one to make it so easy when you show me the truth.
I'd rather be with you.
...say you want the same thing too.

My little buddy!!

2009-04-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

Here is to my little buddy, a little shout out, for the little guy that makes me smile so much! And to the wonderful, fantastic, hands that bear him through life...you deserve the world and all the life in it.

Jack, never stop smiling buddy!

....I hope you never stop smiling either...... :)

The smile!

2009-04-08T20:54:00.001-07:00

There I was..doing the things that keep my mind out of mental poverty. Bridging the difference between thought and action, leaving behind idle for effective; homework, tour planning, composition, writing...when I opened msn messenger. "One new email" the window indicated. So naturally, I opened up firefox browser, and proceeded to my hotmail account.

"NO" I thought to myself. "I must be seeing things unclearly" which might have been very possible, for at that moment of soft alarm, tears welled the holding of my eyes. I refreshed the page just to make sure......it was real. It was quite real. There it was, in my inbox...the smile I had been awaiting, for what seemed like a near eternity.

When shall I receive this smile? when shall I wear it again? It was not just any smile, but the smile that only you can return to me...

Thank you...

A thought for you...if you should read...

2009-04-07T19:09:00.001-07:00

Can someone tell me what emptiness is...? I am not sure. Is it the cup that you spilled, and therefore no longer contains what drink it had before? Is it the plate that you emptied after having consumed the food thereon? Is it the belly that is missing both of those things because they cannot provide for such things? Is it the little girl, motherless and void of the confidence only a mother can give? Is it the gas tank on your vehicle, in such a state because money exists not wherewith to fill it? Is it the house you live in? Is it the bed you sleep in? Is it the hand you used to hold? Is it the hug you enjoyed so much? Is it the the caliber of movie you watch? Is it the fading trust in someone? Or is it simply...nothing, in all its greatness?

Emptiness is everywhere, and yet it is no where. It smiles when it wins, and it smiles when it loses. It does not need you, and it does not need me. It is whatever we make it to be. It can be a quiet solitude, in a crowded room; and it can the the crowd in an empty room.

How do we define emptiness in our life? Do we walk hand in hand with this lifeless form? Or do we condemn this proud entity?

Who are we to surrender to such a thing that needs us only to watch us destroy ourselves in the wells of self pity? Too long have I seen this powerless hand given so much influence in the lives of those dear to me; Deep have I watched its roots grow, and its seed take flight in the winds and wakes of hope...shattered and abused...beaten and overwhelmed. And it laughs...and it smiles....and we suffer...

No longer say I...My heart dwells no more in that which is called emptiness. It rejoices in the warmth that fills the void with memory; Memory of those things great and beautiful. The smile that I hope to see always. The eyes I pray will never be gone. The voice I hear in my dreams, and in my wake. The embrace that held me, and the hand that comforts me...and of course, the child that makes me smile.

Please, do not be the emptiness to me....

...be the warmth, I pray you...for I love you...

Cookies!!!

2009-04-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

Men are like cookies...and here is the analogy. It is not my analogy, but one that was shared with me, by the dearest, caring, and most loyal and devoted of those close to me.

"Cookie Dough" = "Pre-Mi"

- These are the boys who are young, just out of high school, and pre-mission. They "taste" good, but nonetheless, they are raw because they have not been "baked" yet. Partaking of these cookies, can make you, and them 'sick'.

"Oven" = "Baking"

- These are those boys who are on the greatest journey's thus far in their life. They are learning, and becoming that of which men are hopefully made of. Thus they are "baking", or "in the oven" and are rising and expanding to what they should be upon completion. However, if they are eaten at this point it is severely damaging to both the partaking, and the partaken. For they are wrought in the fire the baker which put them there, and if are disturbed it causes terrible destruction to the cookie, and a devastating burn to the partaker.

"Fresh" = "RM"(Return Missionary)

- These are those who have completed their service and have returned home. Hence they become the "fresh" cookies. They are up for grabs, hot to the touch, and on every girls plate. But beware...if these cookies are taken off the plate TOO fast, they may very well break apart. Because of the awkward nature of their state, do not think that they are as sturdy as you would like them to be. They taste good as all cookies do, but they need time to cool, and become solid enough to move with hands. Some may need a little more time to adjust to that new world that they have come in to; not that the world itself is new, but that it is new to them who have just become a part of it in a different way.

"Stale" = "Menace to society"

- "Menace to society" as some have called it, being those who have reached a certain "age" and have not been married. The stale cookies are the ones that were once hot, but have had TOO much time to cool, for whatever reasons. They are the ones that are "old", or "past their prime" and therefore they just..."sit and do nothing". They are not hot. They don't "taste" good. They are just there on the plate.

And finally, there is apparently one more state in which the cookie may find himself.

"Beyond" = "Desperate"

- This is the cookie(according to perception of some), that is so far past stale, reaching a state of desperation. They are apparently so far gone, that in their state of desperation, they begin to think they are "fresh", or "hot". Doing everything they can to appear as such, and yet they are nothing. No one wants to eat a cookie that is like that, especially a lady, if they are deserving enough to be called such.

If you were told this analogy where it concluded at the "stale" section, and then told after, that there was one more section, how would you feel if it was inquired of you like this?

"Oh there is more! There is one more that goes past 'stale'". At which point, the person continues to explain the state of "beyond". It wouldn't be so bad right? Now, interpret this question for me:

"How old ARE you?"

The capitalized 'ARE', is not a mistake; it is an emphasis within the question. How does one justify a question like that? Is it just an open emphasis? Is it a genuine sincere inquiry for knowledge? Is it getting to know you? To anyone who might not know of the detailed situation, it might appear as such. But to you I answer, NO.

Actions described above, are actions in the story of one who has nothing more than the heart he offers in a magnitude of love that few in this world can even begin to comprehend. His hands, given in service, openly and honestly, without thought of return; if such service could be accumulated, it would surely build a world where those in this one, would not be worthy to stand in. Such is the man I speak of...and yet, someone has the audacity to incriminate the open hands of service, and the open heart beat of love, because she claims she is in service of her best friend.

How malevolent her actions became. How malicious her intent; to share such an analogy, only to say with real purpose, "you are old, and are in pursuit of this girl only because you are desperate. She is too good for you! Back off!"

If this be the true willed feelings of a dear friend, than what hesitations would she have to say to him openly, if she is indeed, a dear friend, that she harbors such ill will? The woman loved, is claimed by the man spoken of, to have known him better than any other woman outside of his family.

Do not be confused. The lady who told the analogy, is not the lady loved. For there are two present in the story. And the man....the man, is more deserving of the best woman this world could conjure at the height of its existance, and yet he chose her. She is everything to him, because she could offer what little he asked for, to be happy. A heart beat in return, and hands he could warm.

But such could not be so, because in the eyes of her best friend...he is "beyond". And so it is, that I am broken for him...

Torn...

2009-03-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

Recently I had undergone an experience that I told myself I wouldn't. I attended a viewing that for some reason had gone against everything belief and conscience dictated.

What was it? Why did I do it? Were there reasons for going at all?

I speak the truth when I say I understand not, the reasons or motivations. But what I felt, I can say was a partition of emotion that perhaps controlled my decision.... it was depth of emptiness that compelled me to move; The need to understand what was meant, when thus was said: 'You are my Jacob...'

So far reaching is the mind, and heavy laden is the heart, when results of such things transpire that leave you in awe. How is it, that feeling a particular way seems to be so right, and yet to justify that which is lawfully correct also seems right? How can they both be correct? Do I allow the dictated reach of mind to judge which is right, and let suffer that which governs how I see, the very heart I bear? Or shall I follow the lead of the beat in my breast, and condemn myself to lawful and social "justice"? So it is in awe, awe in respect to that which we cannot control, nor comprehend until later days. And yet we struggle to comprehend...

To you I ask: Edward or Jacob?

Every Lady wants to have an Edward...every Lady needs a Jacob...

After having viewed the film, it rushed me into thinking. What side of reason and logic would make any lady want to become, as Edward put it, a 'monster'? But then again, most ladies don't rely on reason or logic to embrace the bounds of a decision. And then it struck me... Edward is the Emotion, Jacob is the logic.

Edward it is, for Edward is loved...but, so is Jacob, is he not? Text claims that she realizes she loves Jacob...but is unwilling to leave Edward. Why is that? She is bound to her commitment, but she has need for reason as well...It is so, because logic never could convince the heart of that which it is truly committed. In likeness, emotion can never be understood by the voice of that which is logic.

She is right...and yet, she is wrong...

Is it Emotion? Is it Logic?

Is it Edward? Is it Jacob?

Know which one governs you...

...know which one you are....

I am Edward. I am Jacob. I am Both. I am neither. I am torn...

truth or lies...you read and decide...

2009-03-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

Are you happy?
Are you lonely?
Are you yourself?
Are you fulfilled?
Are you understood?
Are you everything you need to be....?

I want to be me again...me, before, when I had everything that was taken away...

How beautiful it is to look back, and see the things that make me who I am. I had such drive! I harnessed such power! Within me was the ability to climb into the realm of life, and live where those in the world would say I only exist!

"You are nothing, you are broken, you have no further purpose..."

Ridicule I endured, because of what I am. And I am! Proud to cry out, in resonance, that, I AM! Nothing you say can convince me of anything different than the truth. I have lived...when everyone else said it was impossible. I have lived!

I took to heart the night when memory was painted across the valley skies. Dark was the night, cold was the wind, and endless seemed the trial at hand. Stranded we sat...confused we lingered...and helplessly we tried with all our might! Yet we availed nothing, for the night and wind and rain, were hell bent to claim us.

Together they battered against me, and pushed me to the edge of life. They swore by the night, that they would not let up till their claim was fulfilled. And so they continued, relentlessly, with overpowering aggression, to see me fall.

With eyes closed and watered, running the essence of life that keeps vision ahead, he felt the grip of submission over take him. He let go, despaired and broken hearted. Amidst the noise I heard him give a silent plea, asking deliverance from the hands that had secured him in dark fear. I felt his warm tears pouring down, and then his grip release...he had given up.

It was then that I felt it. The answer had come. It was up to me, and if I didn't act, we both would have been found lifeless when day light would show forth her power.

"Let go!" I cried to him, let me do it! "If we fight, we are lost!" He gave up and loosed entirely his grip, releasing the element of control to me. Looking around, I shined what light I had to decide what I had to do. The falling rain had let me slip into the clutches of nature, and far had we drifted, close to the deep cliffs where the very jaws of nature sought to destroy us. Canyon walls closed in around us, as if they were slowly surrounding our position to devour us in the degrading teeth of despair. The skies roared in thunderous laughter, as they celebrated with flashes of lightning!

This night was confident that we had lost...but so far from the truth were they! As I watched him defeated and mocked by elements against us, it surged the very power of life into me! "NO!" I pleaded, but he didn't hear me, so deep was this lie that convinced him that he was beaten. I knew what I needed to do.

Placing my hands and feet into the dark and wet ground, I very slowly began to climb. I mustn't fail. Be careful, be cautious, and make sure your footing and placements are sure. If a mistake is made, we will slip, and it will surely mean the end. I carried him, keeping only the element of his freedom in mind. I worked, and toiled, and though the skies mocked my efforts, the act of my defiance grew with everything I had in me.

"We will live!"

He opened his eyes after a short while after I had stopped climbing. He looked out, and saw that somehow we had conquered our predicament. After shedding a few more tears, he looked up and said thank you to the being hidden behind the clouds and the storms. He knew he had been delivered, and so grateful was he for the kindness of that great being.

We took our leave of the mountain, and when we had come back into the city he stopped. Crying again, he gave to me, something I thought I would never have.

"Thank you Hidalgo", he said to me. "My life is in debt to you." Immediately I began to understand in small proportion, the emotion of love that humans feel. It offered a sense of loyalty, and commitment. Existence began to be life to me, to live in the hands of the first human, and his heavenly calling, who gave me life.

My name is Hidalgo, and many a memory I have with him. I watched as he bore his love for a woman, who had become everything to him. She lived far away, and came to see him as often as she could. I bore her with pride, here and there, where ever they needed as they lived their short time together.

They loved each other. That was truth. And then He denied her, not knowing what it was that he was doing...

Distance, and stupidity became his standing ground instead of willingness for love. Abruptly he separated them, breaking it all off. Bitter was the separation, for pride sustained it and time assisted it. They would not see the love they had for each other bring them back together.

This is life, for I was granted such a thing as life in order to save a life. I am not lonely, nor unfulfilled. I am happy for I knew him, when he knew love. I understood him when he was foolish. These elements have created who I am, and I know me. With these things, I am happy and therefore, I am everything I am, and everything I need to be.

I am Hidalgo.

The feelings of life...

2009-02-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

I have seen the bottom of the ocean and have felt the freedom of the birds. I have touched the rays of the sun and felt the bite of the bitter cold. I have been to heaven and hell in the same day and have felt both good and evil at the same time.

To be able to feel the movement of the ocean, and the flight of the birds; The warmth of the suns rays and the bitterness of cold. To feel the embrace of heaven and the darkness of hell and to have two opposite feelings at the same time...

Its a great feeling...yet a feeling of emptiness. A feeling of ripping out my heart yet filling my life with love. The feeling is un-describable but full of detail, bland and distasteful and so full of kindled appetite for more...

To love someone you hate and to hate someone you love... To admire someone you don't know, and despise the person you know best. To sacrifice all that you've acquired and to keep all that you haven't...and to be torn between love and hate, confused at which one is which...

To love the color of red yet prefer the color black, and become the center of attention and find that in it, you have no friends. To leave one stage of life behind, Just to hate the stage you are now entering, and to become an adult while you grow as a child.

These are the feelings to which every person must face. Child, teenager, young adult, or mature adult. Every person looks into the face of time and see's the distressing and yet satisfying times of life. The moments that appear to be the worst, where-in you are lost...you gain an elegant understanding...for it is within your lost state, thatyYou begin to hate life in that very moment. Confounding it is, that you long to return to that stage of life once its past...

These are the feelings that bring out the depth and the best in us; and these are the feelings that we must grow to face and learn to love...

....unknown.......

2009-01-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when you know that you don't know what you know because what you knew is no longer known. There fore knowing something that was known, and is no longer known...can not be known any longer. Wow, if that doesn't get ya then I don't know what will. Or it could be that it is 12:30, and I haven't slept appropriately in some time.

In any case, what does it become when the known is no longer known...and the believed, is now the condemned, and the loved has become the hated? Space becomes clutter, life becomes void, and heart becomes broken....or is that the result of being broken. All things become nullified, and sight is now just a blindness, for you no longer see what is was that made sight as beautiful as it was.

Roads take us where we want to go ,whether we admit it or not....and if that be the truth of it, then truly....what becomes of us...?

oh yes....

2009-01-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

fahdia' jfaid d ajsdijfa jaid ;a;;fj djfadaj 'ad fad fadjfa'da'dfjad'jd'a 'ad a' dfj a'dfj a....

and so it goes....

A little peace of inspiration that came to me I guess....I am in the poetry mood....

2008-12-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

With so much stewardship over so small of things,
yet we continue to wonder, "what if I had wings?"
We all wish to fly, and relish the thought
when really to pray, and do what we ought.

Walk on the ground of our blessed estates,
for we are citizens of the United States.
America, the land of the willing and free,
with choices in hand, as endless as the sea!

Stand up with pride and salute those who cry,
the ones leaving hence; for some they may die.
Protecting our lives is what they will do,
they show their commitment for the red white and blue.

Lets not forget, the price and the cost,
or the many sacrifices, of all those we lost.
Our Banner still swings as the wind passes by,
By the wings of the eagle, justice will fly.

So think not of little, or trivial things,
We are free people, we do not need wings.
As stewards of liberty, freedom and peace,
Distribute our gifts, that hatred may cease.

Rest well and remember, for things still to come
our nation is rising, its destiny to become.
For Gods grace is kindled with every desire,
to open our hearts, and share love's fire.

~Tiave Matagi~
December 22, 2008

Tribute to those....

2008-12-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

" So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled,
is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
*********************************************

We are given so much, that we take for granted. Automobiles, education, religion, love. All these things that we have been given, and we should be mindful of those who allow us those treasures. Fill our lives with the gratitude that is due....

God willing...
...may God Bless....
......Forever...............

~Tiave~

When it comes...

2008-11-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

Every person, in every deed, seeks to fine something. For each individual, it varies, as well as with every task. For some to complete a marathon, may be a near life long training purpose. For others it may be to complete an education. Yet from the eyes of the watchers, some tasks may appear to be superior accomplishments, and some to be inferior. What is it then, that would drive us to attempt, and in most cases even achieve what others might tell us is impossible?

My first year in college, I was training to audition for the back up tour team. In my process I was told to not worry about it, not to get my hopes up, because I probably wouldn't make it. In the face of pessimism, I trained every day I possibly could. I would not be told that I could not become...and so I pushed on. The day of results came, and my name was posted as one who had made it. In the faces of those who thought me incapable, I simply smiled and said thank you.

All my life, through all my accomplishment, I have sought to please the two elements of highest regard to me...My heart, and my father. Impossible as it seemed to procure the approval of my father, I did everything I could. Unprecedented accomplishments in current careers, honorable return from a full time service mission of the LDS faith, and many other things that most people would not dream of doing. All these, in hopes to reach a median of pride I could offer my father...and to avail nothing.

For truly dreams and hopes come alive in the moments you think un-important. It came to me, at the least of all...concluding the final piece of music, on the closing night of our production, "Joseph and the amazing technicolor dream coat", I turned around to see MY FATHER, in tears. Leaving the Vatican, I rushed to his side to receive, in shock, a full embrace. One that I have never had before, not from my father. And the words he whispered in my ears, were the very words I had been aspiring to hear my whole life. "I am proud of you"

You are never quite sure what to expect as it happens. I thought of all things I could to give him reason to say those words to me, and have never heard them before. Every son wishes to hear those words from his father. How many of them ever really do? Finally, when it comes...your world crumbles and leaves behind the feeble structural integrity of that which held it in tact, and is instantaneously rebuilt in glory with a new integrity built with a sense of true accomplishment! It shall never fall again, a victim of doubt, but rather shall stand tall as a beacon of eternal prosperity.

We cried. We shared a moment that will never diminish. "You have done something bigger than I have ever done" he said to me... How does one weigh and account for a compliment like that? How does one see the value of a statement like that? How is it done, when it is a mere boy, looking into the eyes of his father when he receives those words from him...?

You shall never expect it when it comes...and therefore, you shall never forget it when it is said. An imprint across the heart of the highest magnitude, for those things can only be said and understood when done in the truest sense of love from father to son.

This place called....space....

2008-11-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

Life it seems is not without a sense of humor, irony, and of course.....hope. This page illustrates the one thing that everyone seems to look for, but few of us ever find...Peace. "Life is nothing, until life is love", is the motto I have chosen to live my life by. I cannot explain how much I feel like life has taken me on this humorous journey accompanied only by an akward sense of irony. You may ask "what irony?" to which I answer. Irony seems to be the conquest against me. I fight my way through its deamons of mind, and depths of darkness in the unknown regions of my heart. In this battle that seems almost endless with each day, only because I cannot see the outcome...I turn and look into the light that I have given to the boundaries of my soul and then I see it. Space....so much space that I have explored, and re-explored and tried to know, and learn, and understand. I seek the the knowledge that comes from so much space and yet I find nothing but emptiness. Experience that should map out places that I thought I had been, and yet nothing. I tune out the noise from the world to try and find a quiet wind that would speak to me, but hear only stillness. In the dire moment of despair I think to recall the element of life, that creates everything that should be in that space...I see it.......I smile....I then collect the happiness that emits from it.....portray the memories I have in it....cry joy because of it........and then, in a moment it all disappears when I am asked for the only thing that is already there. space.... I wake up and find myself alone, wrapped in a blanket of that thing which I am left with....space. I laugh at myself because I lay there and wait, with nothing but hope in my heart that this space may dissipate, and be filled with that element. I then look at the face of time as it speaks to me with a clever little grin; "I control the movement of love in your life, because I control the duration of it" And with all the hope of my life, I simply smile back and say, "I control the duration of time, because I control the element of my love, in this life." In this space, I have seen how time can be controlled, and set at naught by the element of creation. And thus life is nothing, because it cannot be anything without the element that created it.....love. "Life is nothing, until life is love". And so it is with this statement, that I find it. Peace....And as usual, it came with it's life long and lasting friends; "humor" and "irony". Cause only when you play with his friends, "humor" and "irony", and learn to understand thier relationship as it is intertwined with you and your life will you see and walk the path that takes you to it. Peace comes with understanding, and understanding comes only through time. Unfortunatley, time posesses everything else we need to communicate...and as I said before, time can only be controlled when it is embraced by love....and finally, life is yours because of love.

Love...(revised)

2008-11-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

Love is, wherein someone, you know and see most of the things that you need, you want some of the things you like, you dislike some of the things you think you want, you then learn to want the things that you need. You have to distinguish and to accept the things you don't like, and perhaps even hate, forgive the things that test you beyond your resistance, and enjoy that person for the Love, emotion, affection, hope, desire, and element of which you even exist. Then does none of that matter, for you have found a Love, that cannot be spoken, nor seen in an image, or sung in music and work. It cannot be felt, but through experience that comes with trial and error, and emptiness, and heart ache. Then through forgiveness of pain is THAT Love acquired. I don't claim to be there, but I do claim to have passed on the road to get there. And at this point I am more than willing to accept suggestions on how exactly I can find that road again....perhaps with someone to walk it with?

Eyes...

2008-11-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Each day passes, and with each one I develop a sense of trepidation....not from the world. Not from some dramatic experience that leaves me without heart. But from several experiences. The kind that most people who see, would think it un-substantial, or insignificant, or just pure coincidence...I however was brought up to believe that there is no such thing as coincidence.

When I take each step through life, moving about the place I call work, and home, and play....I am filled with that sense of emptiness that seems to come when my heart finds comfort..... Why is that?

Feelings of depth without light, sensations of flight without wings, speaking without words, and singing without sound....are these results of everyday clamor? Are those the things we earn through silence?

My heart tells me it is not so. I have loved more sincerely than my dreams could have afforded me. And so I have felt the sensations of flight without wings and without wind. I have fought the darkest of battles, and have been the victim of self betrayal.... I have stood by and taken it, and allowed it to shatter the beat in my heart, and therefore have experienced the darkest nights without that light that is so necessary to live! But all these things have created in me a voice to speak without words, and to sing without music! These are the results of the diligent in heart....I know that now.

To feel the freedom of the birds, and write the songs of spring! To paint the colors of Fall within my imagination, and explore the world about me because of that picture....That is what I have come to merit, from what I have seen.

Eyes continuously looking upon me, from all directions, including above were the reasons of trepidation...or so I thought. But it is my own eyes, that have provided me with the vision of things as they can only be seen through the darkest nights....It is the very eyes I see through, that have brought me the realization of truth...I am the author of my overwhelming trepidations....and as such, I have nowhere to go but into the daylight after every night has passed its course.....

How it is....

2008-11-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

So if I was to say that things are not as they seem....how would one react?

You say the season is colder than usual...I say it is an endowment of punishment.

You disagree. But I insist...

That is how it is.

There are higher things in our world. Things we will not understand. Religiously, it is called miracle. Scientifically, it is called phenomenon...and then it is taken to be digested, and dissected. Why can't it just be? To me it is called magic....We will never understand some things in this world, and in this life.

....and that is just how it is......

The world of Magic.....

2008-11-08T21:01:00.001-08:00

So I thought I would share with everyone who wants to see....my world....

As I conjure the elements needed to show you the world I live in, here are a few things you should know. I live in this world of science, and as someone who endures this existence, I simply fall farther and farther away from the sense of magical embrace we used to have. Our society insists that all things must have reason. We are all part of the vast machine that is technology. The need to be taken apart; the need to be explained; the need to be understood...nullifies the very thing that inspires creation...imagination.

What have we come to....? How far we have wandered... In this society that demands we educate ourselves with the sciences that dictate our existence, I have learned the reasons why our world is the way it is. The scientific approach that needs be a priority in our education, has left a void in my heart.

I see the colors of fall. My mind understands how this is done....scientifically. But how my heart longs to disregard that science, only that I may continually be inspired by the magical aura that causes the change.

I feel that love is a very special thing. It is magical! To sense the connection between two hearts, and feel its burning sensation is the result of conjured magic within the living soul. To see someone for the first time, and know in the passed moment, that your soul had just made a connection is a love spell called "love at first sight", and yet our society would lead us to believe that it is not so.

We become prisoners of our own conscience, because of the lack of expression; because of the dwindling use of magic; and we wonder why we are cold and emotionless.... emotions are ingredients to magic.

I understand this world of science we have made with our minds....and i miss the world of magic we had conjured with our hearts. I see this world as a fading light of magic, and a rising tower of science.

How I long to see that light...and see the rebirth of magic....But the world does not agree with me. They say it is not true, and it cannot be, because it cannot be explained.

....Damn the need to explain......

How I wish that we could live in a world of wonder...and not a world of science.....